The Bible II: Jesus in space! Yes, finaly a sequel to the bestseller ever written. Well, the best seller in that BILLIONS of free and unwanted copies are givven away every day, but that KINDA counts as being a bestseller. Anyways.... Big excessive productions features: A book by Doktor Zombi staring Nicholas Cage and Nichole Kidman in The Bible II: Jesus in Space! Nicholas Cage as Jesus Sameul L. Jackson as Peter Nichole Kidman as Mary Magdalenne Alan Alda as God Susan Sarrandon as The Virgin Mary Halle Berry as Kali Larwence Fishburn as Police Officer Lorrenso Llammas as Air Traffic Controller Iman as Lucinda, Queen of Space Mary Kate Olsen as Bébé, Jesus's daughter Greg Kinner as Don Mad Scientist Ashly Olsen as Mimi, Bébé's evil clone Mel Gisbon as Grant VonLangslow, Vampire various other guset stars that are to pathetic to list Sountrack feuturing: Moby, Garbage, No Doubt, Seal, Puff Daddy, U2, TLC, Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins, MIssy Eliot, David Bowie, Metalica, Rage Against the Machine, Maralyn Manson, The Artist, and The Spice Girl's hit single "Yea Jesus, go on an' kick 'em right good in the knackers" is available at Towers© and Virgin MegaSuperGiantMart© ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: t was a hot, wet, steamy morning when Jesus woke up. He found this odd, because he was vacationing in Antartica. He realized that this was a rather stupid place to vacation, but before he could gather insight into this, Peter ran into his room. "Jesus, Jesus, put on a shirt! The Universe is in trouble man!" Jesus shot a lighning bolt at Peter for his impertonance and grabbed his trusty 45. He decided not to put on a shirt, since all the laides loved his sexy, sexy abs. He and Peter went into the video comfrancing room Bill Gates had built for them in return for becoming the richest man in the universe. As usual, it was a call from God. Mary Magdellen, Jeus's sexy but intelligent right hand woman came in wearing her super bullet-prof mercenary suit, which looked suspiciously like the "tender teddy"from last month's Victoria's Secret Catologe, except it had a impact charge cannon taped to the back. "Hey guys"she said coyly, using the maximum of her sexines and intelligentness. Peter rolled his eyes and ignored Jesu's and Mary M's akward sexual chemestry. God's face faded onto the screen. His omnipotence took a great deal of time to laod, so they went off and killed some heathen communists. By the time they came back God was ready to give his divine word. "Hey, son, hey Pete and Mary. Say, I got a heckova screw-up here. Think ya'could help me out guys?" of coarse since disobeying God's word ment something very nasty would happen, so they all quickly and nervously said agreed to whatever God needed. "Well, see, this other deity from one of those Asiatic pantheons has decided to destroy the world and rebuild it in her image. I would do something, but I'm needed in a refugee camp in Sudan. Think you can cover for me?" Again, rembering the "jonah"incident, all complied. "Well, looks like it's another wacky adventure" said Jesus jovaily as they borded the Christcopter 700. - doczombie69@hotmail.com doc zombie Man you are a genius! please continue this story soon!!! I'm working on another called Super Ralph, if you'd care to help! If I can get ahold of somebody who is capable of emailing (I don't have my own comoputer, poor me), I'll email ya! - Wanda Oh, now I'm blushing...but write! After all, you make baby Jesus cry when you don't continue his action-packed adventures. You need Email? Hotmail or Geocities is your answer! Free e-mail accounts, and best yet it can be anonymous, so you can spread pediophila and hate mail around without ramifications! Please don't REALLY do that. http://www.hotmail.com and http://www.geocities.com - die doktor Well, little did our 3 amigoes know, something had gone haywire in the Christcopter 700. As they were flying over Brazil, the CC700 went down! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! (etc...) "Jesus Christ!!!! Lord Almighty!" Peter screamed "You called?" Jesus answered "No no no no, were all gonna die!" Peter screamed again "Where's your faith boy? Did I not walk on water? Did I not save your souls" Jesus replied "Man, this has nothing to do with your healing powers or your walking capabilities" Peter shouted Pretty soon they all heard a huge CRASH! When they regained conciousness, the opened the door to the Christcopter 700. They were surrounded by dense jungle and the Christcopter was in ruins. "Oh man, my dads gonna KILL me." Jesus mummbled - Wanda oh yeah, if you don't hear from me in a while, don't be alarmed. i'm gonna be on vacation for a week, and i don't know the next time i'll be on a computer - Wanda "Didn't he alreay sacrifice you for the world's sins" asked Mary M. Jesus looked at his feet, and whimpered. Peter sluged her. "Nice going, bringing that up." he hissed in her ear. Then he realzed that they were in an obscure South American region, meaning Jesus's mother probably was apearing somewhere near by. Sure enough, a gaggle of old ladies with preyer candels started walking by them on thier way to Soã Francisco. They followed them to a Llama ranch where the Virgin Mary was apearing to a young peasent girl AGAIN. "Hiya ma" said Jesus. People noticed him and fell at his feet, weeping a praying making him feel all akward. Celebrities HATE making a big entrance. "Oh, Jesus, what a lovely suprise. You hardly visit anymore." she said, giving a tight little smile to the blessed fruit of her womb. "Well, Yea, I'm really busy, ya know I'd love to see you more..." He began sweating profusely. The Virgin Mary's smile tightened. "To busy to call me? To send a letter?" Peter and Mary Magdellene sneaked off. Jesus's mom was not a pretty sight when she was pissed off. Pilgrims followed them and built a shrine to them while they had some smokes. "And am I going to see grandkids anytime soon? *Mohamed's* mother had grandkids." "Mom, enough about Mohamed. I'm NOT Mohamed." "Oh, Of corse not. Mohamed can take some time to send his mother a letter evey now and then." This colorfullness continued untill the Virgin Mary finnaly could be persuaded to scarf up some airplane tickets (Virgin Atlantic, what else?). Wanda, cioa! Enjoy vacation. My tips for fun during spring break is to read Slyvia Plaith's "The Bell Jar" over and over, and to sit infront of a mirior focusing on your real or imagined imperfections. Rember, stay out of the Sun, you'll get skin cancer! And have fun! - dr. z This story rocks :) i hope to see more of that heathen stompin action...be sure to add on to The neverending adventures of SuperFly... - DanMan D.M, thanxs...but write! Anyone can be just as creative and satrirical as me...welll, anyone can be ALMOST creative and satirical. And almost as good looking.... - die doktor ok , ill take a shot at it: When Peter , Mary , and of course the Savior arrived they discovered something horrible...Peter's Luggage was missing! "oh , great ..First the Christcopter incident , then the Stewardess accident , and now we lost the luggage that was carrying our spending money!!" , Jesus was obviously not having a good day. "Ohh .. and i suppose that's all my fault?" Peter retorted, "You and your Holier-than-thou attitude!" "Would You guys just get off each others backs??" Mary reasoned , utilizing her charisma to the fullest Mary continued "and what DID happen with peter and that stewardess?" *- Jesus was the first son of God; the 2nd born: Larry , was the product of God and the Grecian Pantheon in a series of events to boring and explicit to add here. Will the Trio break up? Can Mary get the two Jet lagged friends back together? What is the mysterious Stewardess incident? Will Jesus ever meet Larry? These questions to be answered in the next installment of "The Bible 2 : Jesus in space" - DanMan *****comercial break****** dah-dah-de-do-de-do-dah Announcer: Are you tired of the same old child molesters? Is reputition bringing you down? Do you need more exciting misfortune to tell the school psycatrist? Kids: Yea! Announcer: Well then I've got great news for you...It's new and improved NAMBLA!! Kids: Yaaaaayyyyyyyy!!!! (wacky music begins to play) OOOh, new and improved, it's so great, absoultly better n-a-m-b-l-a!!! Are you tired of being abused? Well we can't help you there, but come on down to a NAMBLA headquarters, and we will (CENSORED)(CENSORED) (CENSORED) and (CENSORED) penut-butter all over (CENSORED) (CENSORED) it (CENSORED) That's so much fun in just one day at NAMLA daycare! Announcer: new and improved NAMBLA! Ask for it buy name! *******and now, back to our show******* Suddenly, a burglar alarm sounded. They realized that the 22½ bank was being robbed. "Come on guys, this is now time to fight! Were the...um, we never really thought up a name for our team. But we neeed to stick together to save the world and all it's sinners!" "Alright" said Peter. "Yea" said Mary M. in her sexy/intellignt woman way of always agreeing with whatever the men said. They ran into a bank just in time to stop the burglar (He had been slowed down by the irresitable security cameras) "Today wasn't you lucky day, punk" said Jesus as he swung his zen handblade of doom directly at the villans laranex. Peter kneed the theifs groin "Have a nice day-in PAIN" he laughed as the criminal went down. To motivate everybody, Mary M. did a cute little dance. "Well, we made short work of that loser" said Jesus, patting Peter on the back. "Yea man. That punk whould a learned that ours is the God of persecution" he replied. "Uh-huh" Mary M. murmed, tired from her coregraphed number. "Hey, wasn't there something we had to do?" she suddenly realized. - doc zombie Die Doktor hmmm...interesting. aren't we being a little egotisticle with the 'And almost as good looking' line? but hey, that's ok, i still luv ya. - Wanda Oh, but um...."the truth shall set you free" and the truth is, I am one good looking bastard. And it would just make baby Jesus cry to deny that. - -ya havta be cruel to be kind, dr. z "Uh, yeah," said Jesus said. "I think Dad said something about an Asiastic panther that wanted to take over the world." Mary raised an eyebrow. "An Asiastic panther? Are you sure that's what he said?" Jesus didn't want to screw up his omnipotent image so he faked self-assurance and replied "Yeah, I'm sure. Wasn't I right about that cock thing? Eh, Peter?" Peter blushed. "Uh, what cock thing?" "You know," Jesus answered. "About the cock crowing three times!" Mary gave the both of them a look of disgust. "I don't want to know about it." she said, putting her hand over her face. Jesus smiled, thinking, 'That's Mary all over. She never wants to admit she's wrong,even when she is arguing with an all-powerful, studly kinda guy like myself.' Mary, being the intelligent, sexy,Woman-Woman clone that she was, got them all back on topic. "So....shall I check to see if the Asiastic panther is an endangered species? If it is, we can't beat it up." "Okay." Jesus said. Mary dialed up the number for the soul of Albert Einstein, who was slightly more all-knowing than God. Unfortunately she got his answering machine: Hello, dis iz Albert Einstein......If you have invented soemthing to tame my hair, press 1, If you would like me to run for President of Uganda to eliminate hatred, poverty and make children from around the world stand on a hill, holding candles and singing "If I Could Buy The World a Coke", press 2. I trust I can rely on your vote. If you would like to know if there is a Fishie Heaven, press 3. Thank you and goodbye.' Mary panicked and pressed three. 'Hello," the answering machine said. "There is no such thing as fishie heaven. Instead, the floaters reincarnate as Pepperidge Farm 'Goldfish' which are enjoyed by millions of people from around the universe." With this mystifying question unmystified, Mary was satisfied to return her attentions to the mission. Jesus, Peter and Mary were about to do some groovy 70's dances, but then the sleazy TV producers rolled the credits and they knew that another riveting episode of Jesus In Space had to come to an end. But remember to tune in same Jesus time, same Jesus channel for JESUS IN SPACE!!!! - lala ***********and now, a word from our sponsers************ Hello, I'm here to tell you about Guianna. Guianna is located in Southamerica, on the Atlantic Coast. The weather is tropical and pleasent. The languge is English. And best of all, the United States has no access to your progress without special disponsation from our president. So for you Americans out there who have legal problems, Guianna is your answer! No learning an absurd languge! No constant running from the international arm of the law! And the natural beauty and tranquility of Guianna in your brand new, criminal record-free life style. So escape to Guianna today! **************and now, back to our show*************** (in a effort to establish more marketable charachers, we now go to Calcutta, India, where Kali is planning to take over the world from her temple headquarters) "Hahaha" the Wicked Kali laughed as she ran her fingernails along the blackboard. "Wickedness is fun!" she then looked at her asortment of collectable accesories: her Kalimobile, her Kalicoppter (to hell with thosse who said it was just The ChristCoppter with a skull superglued on it. The budget was just alittle tight, that's all. So they had to reuse a few props but..) ther'es also my Kalirang and Kaliblade, Kalilasso and KaliNail-polish (produced by Urban Decay), the lil'Kali halloween costume, her video game, cookbook, and assortment of plush toys. Wheaties also had a promitional tie-in by inseting KaliKollectableKards in thier cereal boxes. Get all six!!! Kali was pleased with her well stocked memoribelia. But just incase her characher didn't sell to well overseas, she desided to make some more. The KaliStationary set, the KaliMousepad, and Kali-handheld-minifan were just some of her ideas. Suddenly, her dumb but loveable lackeys came in. Thier names were Grant and Don. Grant was not only the original drummer for Gwar, but he was also a Vampire. Well, he at least claimed he was a Vampire, and ratinaled this by changing his last name from Knielander to VonLandslow. Her other lackey was Don, the Mad Scientist. He actualy had a normal score on the Minneapolis Personality Test, but had also desighned Anthrax, so his sanity was sorta questionable. And he wasn't actualy a scientist, he was a pharmacist, but if people didn't call him "Scientist" he would get a funny look in his eyes and stare ate them untill they did. Kali grinned at her henchmen. "Tell me my pets, have you succesfully killed Jesus and his little freinds like I asked you too?" her henchment waited untill she was doen talking to her kittens. "Stupid little felines, all you can do is sit and purr. I would skin you alive if you wern't so damm cute!" she howled as Dustball and Whiskers kneaded her lap, laid down, and fell asleep contentedly. "Um, Kali" asked Don. "Oh. Um, yes Don?" Kali asked, looking up from her kittens. Don's face turned crsimson, and he looked at Kali as if she wasn't there, not blinking. "Um, Dr. Don" Kali hastily corrected herself. Don's face relaxed "Well, maybe you should have me and Grant here kill Jesus. I just don't think plan A is working." Grant suddenly looked at Don. "Hey Pal!" he qurped "Don't bring me into this!" But it was to late. Kali tapped her fingers together, slowly. "Yes, to tell you the truth I'm getting increasingly dissatisfied with my "Cats of Death". I thik I'll just have to wait untill their older, and have teeth and claws, before I can use them to destroy anything other then the carpet. So I think that you and Don should take thier place. I honararily nominate you, Kittens of Doom." Don and Grant were thrilled, and began to hunt down out trio. Kali, in a soft motherly voice, tried to convince Whiskers to jump through a hoop. - d/z Of course it was at this time that the loser with the remote flipped over to FOX and we missed the last 20 minutes of that episode , but , as a conselation we did get to see a good portion of Boy Meets World in which Corey learns a heart breaking lesson about Hamster care and Topanga and Sean Vandlize the school in a lame attempt by FOX broadcasting to breath some life into their ratings. The ploy worked of course Because its a known fact that FOX is backed by God ....what can i say? the big guy likes his Prime time TV. And now for the next episode! - DanMan What I think Dan is TRYING to say is: I don't what to start any blasphemous rumors, but I think God has a sick sense of humor I when I die, I expect to find him laughing. By the way, I have a constititional right to decide what anyone is really TRYING to say. So watch out! **********and now, a word from our moronic supporters************** New at SuperVirginMegaMark! The Backstreet Boys with thier new hot single "Sorry Girls, this is for the Bears" Yes, now covens of teenybopper girls can cry on thier pillows to the realization that the Backstreet boys are, really all Gay as sunset and only want hairy, fat, shirtless guys, and have been singing thier lovelorn basterdised r+b to them all along. So get it and watch your 14 year old daughter's heart implode today! ****************back to our big shoe************************ Mary Magdelane was wandering through the streets of...well, I don't think anyone was exactly sure where they were. But she was running through the streets, looking for a zoologist. Unfortunanly, all she could find was snow, sheet rock, and nomadic tribesmen herding beats of burden around. But this could be Mongolia, Iceland, Latvia, or Antartica. Or was Antartica populated? If only she had taken that "Identification of Tundra and other survival tactics" corse in "The Learning Annex", she would be so much better off. But no, she had foolishly oppted for "How to commit Espionase for Profit and Travel". Now she would never know how to find out more about the Asiatic panther. She sat down on the grey shale and creid, remaining intelligent and sexy in her vunerablness. Suddenly, she realized she was being watched. Luckily, she did not need to worry about being undermedicated, because her stalker made his presence known. He was a tall, well dressed man, posseing both great permed hair and manicured nails, so at first she was worried he might be a Backstreetboy. "Why are you crying, my child?" he asked, showing his interesting pointy eye teeth. Mary decided he might be a zooloigist randomly wandering about, so she quickly asked "Is the Asiatic panther endagered?" But our freindly vampire (Grant) could not answer in a psudeo-victorian responce, so he instead grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her away. She noticed the tattoo on the back of his neck reading "GWAR4EVR" as she screamed for help, alternating from Latvian to Mongolian. - dr. z Unfortunately, Mary was terrible at languages. While she had meant to cry "Help me, please!" in Mongolian, in actuality she had said what would be roughly translated as "Meatloaf is a hearty dish.". At hearing this, the natives just thought she was a crazy foreigner and passed her by. Grant pulled Mary into a shadowy building and tossed her up against a wall. "What are you?" Mary asked, sounding as sexy, intelligent and defiant as she could under the circumstances. "What do you think I am, dumb ass?" Grant smirked. "I'm a vampire. Didn't you see the shelf of Anne Rice books?" Mary gasped. "Omigod, no, no! Not Anne Rice books!" Grant laughed and said, "Yes that's right. Anne Rice books. I'm going to make you read every one of them!" "Bite my neck! Please,just kill me and get it over with!" Mary pleaded but to no avail. Grant was without pity. He turned on the recording of 'Interview With A Vampire' and escaped through the building's back door. Will our heroine escape the horrifying trap of the Anne Rice books or will she be doomed to a bloody, painful death as her brain cells are desroyed, one by one? - lala (now, in an effort to develop further comercialy viable charachers, we present Jesus's daughter, Bébé's introduction:) Meinwhile, back home it was finally time for Troupe 47.2000009's annual summer campout and the girls were very excited. Their troupe leader, Gina the Jesuit nun, gave them each a list of what to bring. 'Don't forget your precious moments figurine and your rat!' it said. Friday morning, they dead in a Golf cart and by suppertime they had reached their campsite in Ürümai, Northwestern China. Bébé and Bruce put up the tents while two other girls started supper. They killed blood pie over the fire and then made milk-flavored jello for dessert. Soon it got dark and Bruce was a little scared. 'What if there are zooligists in the woods?' she said. But Bébé said, 'Don't worry. I'll protect you with my fluffy hammer and sickle. That will scare away the zooligists.' The girls stayed up telling razorblade suitcase stories until 4:20 p.m, when they finally fell asleep. Troupe 47.2000009's summer campout was a big success! Then, To celebrate Kwanza, Troupe 47.2000009 decided to put on a play about crack whore. First, they needed to choose their characters. Gina the Jesuit nun decided to be the Nightstaker, Bébé wanted to play Slyvia Plaith and three other girls wanted to be the Three Billy-whales Bruce. 'Now we need costumes,' said Bébé. 'I'm going to wear my favorite invisable transparent and pumice stone color plaid miniskort.' 'We'll need 6 bear traps to be our whale horns!' said the other girls. They practiced their play for 7734 days and then they were ready. The play was all about a crack whore and the Three Billy-whales Bruce even got to trip-trap across a poodle. At the end, everyone clapped very loudly and Troupe 47.2000009 was proud of its Kwanza celebration! - -MadLib server (no, were not laying off experienced human writters in favor of cheap computer labor. we're doing it for the customer. And skort is spelled right) As the numeroligicaly endowed troupe celebrated thier racist production, BéBé saw a man in the backround, a man in a white lab coat (as oposed to the men in neon green lab coats). Something disturbed her about this man...maybe it was the twitch in his eye. Maybe it was the Backstreet Boys album he was rubbing aganst his body. Maybe it was the fact he was reading "Scientology: A New Slant on Life" by L. Ron Huburd. Suddenly, Bébé was very scared. She ran up to Gina the Jesuit presit, but she was busy doing a caberet act for the gents (just for troupe funding, of corse). The man came closser and closser, unoticed by the parents, youth counslers, security gaurds, secret police, and undecover mercenary nijas wandering the premises. Bébé decided to call her dad for help. She found the pay phone, but he was busy. She felt so sad, because it always seemed her daddy never had time for her. Even while saving the souls of the world, defeating Satan, and keeping the Red Commies at bay, she wanted a father so badly, and he was always late. This led to some mood shots with accomping music of a young girl looking downtrooden and upset that her parent has has deprived them. Then Don snached her. "Hahaha" he laughed in a evil pharmacist/scientist way. "Now I'll clone Jesus's daughter, and program the clone to kill him. After all, he won't suspect his own very cute and easily marketable daughter of being a android psycopath, would he? Well...maybe. I don't really know the guy. But if it fails, I can always documet as art and get a grant from the goverment. Hahahaha" - -dr. z die doktor, so you got sumthin against Mr. Hubbard? he he he... so do i. Dan Man in an attempt to change the subject Darmon flew in. He saw some very neat machines with flashing lights and there was the usual mad scientist ((well...pharmacists are people too!)) a very cute and very marketable little girl that bore a striking resembleance to that annoying Full House girl...he even saw the expensive looking machine that goes "beep" not that any of it mattered to him , he was a super hero .... not a weirdo. But it did seem to matter to Bebe who spent her time crying , whining , and co-starring in "How the west as fun" Don could barely stand it any longer when the time for the cloning neared.... the machines hummed as they came to life , the stereotypical lightining and thunder soon ensued , Bebe , which was at that point strapped down with her mouth shut with duct tape, wriggled around , and the machine that goes "beep" beeped... - DanMan (Well, usally, I don't mind groups with no respect for the first amdement, who " de-barnwash" members of rival cults (Like presbeterians), and break into dissidents homes to look for " copyrighted material" by performing illegal searches. But in this case, L (what is the L for? Larwence? Lunna?) Ron is just to full of himself. His homepage tells about his great humanitarian works- it forgets how he abused his first wife and molested young boys. Well, it's conforting there are more Zoarstists that Scientologists.) As Darmon was transfixed to the red blinking lights, A blade connected to the FlyHunter540 shot through the air and bisected him like a hot knife through a buttered fly. In a interesting twist, the divided parts of his body fell into a tub of orage-glowing gell (He would have been pleased to be buried in something glowing, because he loved all thing that were luminesent) Meanwhile, Don, who had been on a bathroom break, walked back into the lab. "Hello Bébé." He smiled that universal smile of medical persons who love to cause pain. "Were going to have some real fun. Have you ever been cloned? I bet not! Well, it's really super fun." Bébé, who had been consitering "A very Olsen Channuka" , now got free of her gag, pleaded "Mister, please let me go. I don't want to be cloned" Don's expercion collapsed. In a low, graveling voice spoke "I wouldn't call me "Mister", dear. I think you should call me "Doctor"" Bébé tried to escape for a few minutes, during which he stood perfectly still, string at her, and breathing heavily. Finaly, Bébé repleaded "Doctor, please let me go. I don't want to be cloned. Don's face bounced back to it's previous deranged happiness. "Great. Let's just take some spinal fluid and get things started!" Then a bar came out of the celling and decended down to Bébé. When in was about 2 feet directly above her diaphram, a needle came directly out of the center of the bar, and shot downwards. Bébé screamed at the lightning pain that hot through her and then up her spine. Don looked displeased. "That's just not enough spinal fluid. We'll have to invade another vertabre." The needle extended, and for a moment Bébé relaxed, but the bar moved up to her lower abdominom. Then everything happened again. Bébé screamed and squirmend. Don repreminded her for having such little spinal fluid. After 40 minuted of agony, Don finaly had compleated enough spinal taps, he pulled a lever. A tube came out of the celling, and decended to the tub of shinny goo that held Darmon's remains. It injected some yellowish fluid into the goo, assumably the 60% of Bébé spinal liquid. A metal cover slid over the tub, and all was set. Don pushed another lever, and blue lightening shot down onto the tub. "Errrrr" Bébé tried to say, very weak from the damage done to her spinal cord. "Hahahahahaha" lauged Don. "Gzzzzzzz" said the electrical current. The charge stopped, and the metal coved receded. Out of the goo came a perfect duplicate of Bébé. The clone noticed her original and grinned. Then she saw Don. "I want sugar. Sugar and dung." she requested. - dr. z "sugar and dung?" don was obviously in a mixed state of happyness and corcern...h was happy , this was his first time cloning a human ((yea..we'll give the olsen brat the benifit of the doubt)) and concern...he was fresh out of sugar. - Oh My god! they killed darmon!, 04/25/98 And he was pretty much also out of dung- after all, this was a lab, not a fertilizer shop. "Well, techincly, I could provide my own....NO!" he thought. Then he rembered that he had plenty of sacchirin that he had purchased in hopes of poisoning the water supply with the cacigenic sweetner. With out any hesitation, he retrived several giant pink envelope-packets. "Here you go, hon. Hey it's really great that your going to help me take over the world, isn't it! I think I'll call you Mimi. Mimi was my girlfreind's dog's name. I had to kill it when she left me." he said, clumsily ripping open the containers of white, bittery sweet powder. Bébé's clone looked on, rubbing he hands together "Mmmmmm"she spoke cloneshly "I love sugar almost as I love dung. And spoiled foodstuffs. All are excelent mediums for burrying newly-laid larva in" With like a mountian of snow at a collasal Don's feet, the sugar waited. The clone chritined Mimi lept at it, making "zzzzzz" sounds. As she laped it up, a starang change came over her, a psycological change of the upmost importance in our story: Sacchrin: Sugar subsitute known to be dangerously carcinagenic in large doses. Also interferes with nevrous system in hyper-gestated clones. See also, asperine. -Stanfnord Guide to biomedical science in low-cal substitutes Indeed, Mimi began to sawy her head. Before Don's eyes, her body was being ravaged by the deadly sugar. It found her nerve cells and clung to them, with a chemical reaction that produced her medusla to quicken with fear. Her brain became drugegd with base, animal urges. Bébé awkoe temporerily. "Not SACHRIN!!!!! Yoooouuuuu fooooooooollll!!!!" she screamed before falling into a spinal trauma-induced coma. A single bead of sweat rolled down Don's face, gracefully, a salty iceburg. Mimi lolled her eyes back and screamed. It seemed so slow, Don wondred why he couldn't cathch her. Mimi's scream was like a leak in a damm, so much sound trying to escape through such a little mouth. She ran towards the door, But Don thought quickly enough to fumbly find the remote control in his pocket and activate the lock. Mimi kept on running. She ran to late. Her face crushed into the steel plated door, and she slid to the ground. Don rushed over with a maternal coccern at his ceration's limp body. Which was exactly what she wanted. He bend over her and turned her over, quietly, soflty. The red line that was gushing from her nose stood out so much that Don was transfixed. Her eyes shoot open. Too late, Don retracted. To late, he saw her foot make a lighning kick towards his face. Their roles revesed, Mimi now stood over Don, her four feet looking like 40 from his position. She wiped the blood from her face and tasted it. He face cletched in disgust. Don tryed to grab her ankle, but she was already gone. Towards to window, the source of light, she ran. Her arms covered her face in her shower of glass and sun, and she felt nothing as she fell, with the precison of a paratropper. Ignoring the cuts covering her body, she ran, ran into the hills, and never once looked back. Meinwhile, back in the abandoned wherehouse where Mary Magdellian was being held prisoner to the evil pulp rantings of Ann Rice.... - -die doktor, 04/26/98 the scratchy ann rice tape churned out a screeching monotone reading of Interview with a vampire.... AHHHH! MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP! remebering her training mary blocked it out the best that she could by remembering portions of Douglas Adam's book , The resteraunt at the end of the universe.....And then , in a holy entrance that only two people could make <<1 being jesus and two being bill cosby , and cosby was undergoing surgery at the time>> Jesus charged in , his Gloc pointed square at the tape p;ayer , and in a burst of lead the evil recording stopped.Grant laughed , amused at the savior's entrance .... "stupid mortal , just because you are the son of God doesnt mean jack..." before he could continue he remembered that it was daylight and he wasnt wearing his Spf20000000000000000 sun block today....Grant fell in a pile of smouldering ashes. - DanMan , and hey ! check out my brand spanking new story , "and now , a story" now at the bottom of the book index...., 04/29/98 Suddenly, Grant arose from ashes, having remembered he wasn't really a vampire, just a delusional goth punk with really sharp canines and a passion for Anne Rice. "Hahaha," he laughed, "I'm a person, Jesus, you can't do bullshit unless you want to commit a sin!" Jesus sat down and thought about this. "I guess you're right," he said at a great dealing of pondering and nail-biting. "I suppose I'll have to convert you." With that, Jesus reached into his pocket and pulled out several tons of Jesus paraphenelia and merchandise. Jesus sorted through the pile, tossing items at the horrified Grant. "Jesus Happy Meal Toys!" Jesus cried with glee as he wound up the rolling Mary Magdalene toy (which bore an uncanny resemblance to a Barbie on wheels). But he dropped that toy instantly when he saw a copy of 'Jesus Christ Superstar' in among his stuff. "Nooooooooo!" he screamed, mangling the video. He ripped it with his teeth and kicked it around like a hacky-sack screaming "Infidels! You dared to give the apostles 'fros! Ten plagues!" In the midst of this holy hissy fit, the Grant snuck out and escaped conversion,well, at least until the Jehoviah Witnesses' hit his place. In the mean time, the Peter was trying to reach Albert Einstein's soul on the phone. He dialed the genius' number and heard the answering machine click on. It said in a crazy, funky German accent: "Hello, comrades! I've been introduced to Communism and trust me, it is the salvation of the workers! I'm out right now, helping my Russian friends, Boris and Natasha blow up some democratic forest creatures. 'Dat bad moose' and 'Proletarian squirrel' as my Red friends call them! Be back soon! If you would like to know about KC and The Sunshine Band/KC and JoJo connection, press 1; If you are searching for an Asiastic panther, press 2; If you don't feel like pressing 1 or 2, stay on the line and listen to a couple of Milli Vanilli records. P.S. That was supposed make you hang up, but supposing you haven't, it's REALLY Milli Vanilli singing on theses records....Ewwwwgggghhhhaaaaa. Gag. Gag." Peter pressed 2, if only to avoid Milli and Vanilli. "There's no such thing as an Asiastic panther. It's an Asiastic pantheon, dumbass. If you're looking for a particularly evil Asiastic pantheon, look for Marvin the Mole/Stool Pigeon. He knows all the dirt about that kinda stuff. Bye." The answering machine hung up on Peter, but he wasn't particularly offended. He was too happy. Maybe, he thought, now Chris will give me some credit and maybe Mary will flirt with me. Peter was so full of expectations he didn't notice the large green hand swooping down from the sky, right at him.... (And Now for the mandatory six hours for educational entertainment, we present 'The Happy Numbers' Adventures in Math Land"!) Number 3: Omigod, it's an algebraic equation! Number 2: Number 10, what should we do now? Number 10: We have to use our noodles! We have to think it out! Number 1: Noodles? I thought this was a children's show, 10? We can't say anything that could be turned into a sexual innunendo! Number 10: Oh yeah, I guess I'd better shut my hole. Number 2: No, if you shut your hole, you wouldn't be a 10! Number 3:Oh, fuck this! Let's go count some beer off the wall! Number 4: I never get any good lines like that, but okay, let's go get drunk.... *The numbers walk off to the local bar, where they get drunk and screw up their multiplication tables.* Number 10: five times five is twenty three, kids Number 5: two times zero is twenty five, twenty five bottles of beer on the wall, twenty five bottles of beer.....ya take one down and pazit salkdfjl;a 9his voice goes all slurry) Number 3: You know whadda I think of you? You're a low down, fucking, gorgeous charming bastard, I love you all! Dammit! I hate you, stupid fuckheads, I want to kill you......with love. (he pukes all over everything) Narrator: Well, kids, now for the Captain Kangaroo hour!!!! - lala, 05/01/98 Meanwhile, back at the abandoned warehouse Jesus, Bill Cosby, and Grant were, while not actualy fighting, in a sort of semi-combat. "hahaha!" Grant laughed " watch me turn into a bat, you foolish demigod!" he then proceeded to flail his arms about and make squeaking noises as he made a headline for the pudding pop king. "Time for blood!" Grant exclaimed, biting Cosby on the neck. His teeth were actually pretty dull, and he only suceeded in bruising the Cos. As a last resort, he took out his calaver pistol, and shot him through the head. "Oh my DAD!" screamed the now Cosmister-splattered Jesus "The killed Billy!!!! You bastrads!" He grabbed his glow-in the dark air freshiner (with real water from Lourdes) and charged. "Nooooo" Grant screamed as he was popuri-ified by the Jessi mechendice. Jesus laughed. " My Father in heaven loved "Fat Albert", you heathen. Hope you enjoy the heat, because it's plenty hot where your going!" "My hero!" squealed Mary M. with her pseudo-smart mega-sexy voice. The embraced for what seemed like eternity, then walked out of the dark warehouse. The sun setted in the west, and they walked hand and hand in the twilight. Tomorrow it would be a brave new world, for two brave new souls who had made it...together. The End Just kidding. "Um, where's Peter?" questioned Jesus. "Wasn't he with you?" asked Mary. They both turned to each other with wide eyes. Suddenly, they broke into a run and started yelling out "Peter!" "Peter!!!" Of course, this action was futile, because at the moment Peter was laying buck naked on a metal slab, with varieties of tubes and/or needles entering every orifice of his body, as well as creating new ones. "Where am I?" begged of his hosts, a group of bug-eyed, gray-skined otherworlders. The lead observer explained, without speaking (he was a trained in sign languge) that this was the space ship 'CkháL'Åvaa, of the fedreated empire of the Cthuluroids, under her majesty Lucinda, QUEEN OF SPACE (or at least the areas of space controlled by the Cthuluroids, which included three asteroids, a third of Io, and a small portion of Pluto). - -dr. z, 05/03/98 This wasnt anything too strange for peter though , the tubes and needles , the uncomfortable beds , the tall grey alieans , nope...everything was actually pretty a-ok for peter ((he used to live in a UF dorm...))not that he enjoyed it all , the tubes were a nice touch though , he thought , but he wished that the hallucination would end. In a cold sweat he realized something , this wasnt rush week...and these weren't frat kids...for the rest of the episode Peter cried like a baby...the aliens lost interest in the childish hero , they were engrossed in their hi-tech TV .... Funniest videos were on and there was a guest host on tonite , some superintelligent fly...it was a laff riot... Oh , and die doktor , check out my latest and possibly greatest <> work , in the bottom of the index "Hey Mngmnt!"...i think you will like it.. - DanMan Man Man <>, 05/03/98 After seeing the finalist video about the imoelated buddist monk, the host who's last name rymed with a certin deragotory word introduced tonight's guest...Dan, the amazing talking fly with Tourette's syndrome. Dan, or to be more specific, the reaminder of Dan's genetic code, came in. "Um, hello little girl who looks suspiciously like the co-star on my z-grade sitcom. Where's the talking fly?" asked the mornic host. The audeince broke out in laughter, because this was the funniest thing he had said all night. "I'm afraid that the insect in question was neatly divided. But thanks too his memories, I knew the location and guest spot of this show, in a series of very dull and scientific events that were almost compleatly plaugerised from Frankenstien" The host with the least most's jaw murmered "yea, but practicly everything is stolen from Frankenstine thesse days, from Blade Runner to Jonny Mnemonic." As the dullard of the century realized he had actualy said something vaugly witty, Mimi took his slow reaction time to her advantage. She pitched herself forward, and began to sommersault towards the poor, stupid man's version of David Letterman. When she was 1 foot awy, she projected herself towards his Adam's apple. "Ow! That hurt!" he said, as the audeience giggled again at what they belived to be another joke. Mimi forced a demonic smile. "Well, this should numb the pain!!!" she yelled, her hand going through the host's forehead. After spending 4 minutes locating his pebble-like brain, she yaked it out. Unfortunantly, it was too small to show him before he died. "Now there's FUNNY. I think that's the winner tonight. And as my prize, I'm claiming televison in the name of MIMI!!! Meanwhile, at the network, the executives were estatic. After all, the ratings for America's Funniest Home Videos haddn't been this high since the terrorist incident. Amist thier high-fiving and spin-off planning, Mimi upped the power to takle over every broadcasting satilite. Families from across the world gathard in the warm, blinding glow of their telivisons to watch the disturbingly adorable little mopet who had compleate control of televised entertainment. - -dr. z, 05/04/98 Things seemed to be just peachy for Mimi. What more could she ask for? Damn, she had the power of every persons T.V. AND she was one good looking chick. So, Mimi decided to run for Miss Universe, and.....lost (Miss Mongolia kicked ass and won first place)! So now, all Mimi could think about was killing Miss Mongolia. Meanwhile, God was thinking about how far things got outta hand. "Geez, ask a couple of people, along with my divine Son, to do a little bidding, and look what happens!" Sorry I've gone Dr. Z and DanMan! It sucks not having my own computer. You probably won't hear from me that much in the summer, but I'll try! - Love, Wanda, 05/05/98 Sambaa Mangral was happily weaving more yak fur into buddist prayer mats on her family's farm in rural Mongolia when she saw two stragners wandering off in the distance waving thier arms and yelling something in Englsih. Fortunantly, as Miss Universe, she had been trained in the use of over 83 languges (and advanced physics in astrological travel). " Peter! Peter!" The bearded man she recognised from a missionary panphlet yelled out in a sore voice. His companion collapsed, and he was soon to follow. As Sambaa looked down on the foriners, she pondered killing them for the lard her townspeople so desperatly needed. " No," she thought " that is not the mongolian way. Looting and razing villages while on the paty of rampage IS the mongolian way, but slaughtering defensless travelers is not." She took them into her nomadic tent where she nursed them back to health with llama milk and roasted tundra larva as she combed the fleas from thier hair. Mary M. regained concieness. " Whaaaaa?" she murmered as she opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was a giant, scorched maggot staring back at her. Even her liberated sex-kittness could not sustain her very loud scream. (do not sign off of the web. Never again. Stick a I'V in your arm and donate your organs to science so you can stay on the web non stop, forever.) - dr. z, 05/06/98 MEanwhile our two heroes , Jesus and peter , had to find our lost heroine..and the also had to find Mary M. (heh heh) they scoured the cambodian countryside searched through the jungles of laos , through the mountains of vietnam....until they realized that they were not anywhere near where they were supposed to be , and with a sheepish grin he asked his dad for help "Oh God..." - DanMan, 05/12/98 And God, being a dutiful father, sent Jesus a magikal chariot that would fly him and Peter anywhere they wanted. Unfortunately, it was also a gas guzzler. By the time, Jesus and Peter had reached the border of Cambodia, they run out of fuel. "Awwww....$hiT!" Jesus used some extremely unholy language. - Meghan Casey, 05/13/98 YOU ALL ARE CRAZY WIERDO'S!!!!!!!!! - #######################, 05/29/98 God heard Jesus using the Unholy language. "He must be punished like the rest of the world for their sins" he thought. So, God did the only thing possible, He zapped Jesus wiht a lightning bolt. Well, doing this made God a little....trigger happy shall we say. He promptly turned around and zapped Peter! Then, feeling a little frisky, God zapped everybody that was in this whole shpeel! And then, God zapped everyone in the entire world. No people, animals or plants survived. Well, God thought it pointless to have a planet with no life on it, so He just made the Earth dissapear as well. What a helluva day. THE END. Doc, Thank you for putting Ralph out of his pain. I understand how you feel abput your story, and I hope the way I killed it was pleasing to you. I cried (well, not really) when I realized you were right about our stories. At least it gave us memmories to tell our grandchildren some day. Please, if you find a suitable way to kill Peter Dies, do it. Live long and maybe we'll meet again in a new story that we've spun from our imaginations. Luv ya. - Wanda, 06/04/98 Yah! The story had a happy ending and no one did any crack! (or maybe they did....it's been a long time since read this whole mess) That you Wanda. Jesus thanks you, God thanks you, and the world you so beutifly destroyed thanks you. Because, you are right, now compleatly new stories can be created! And even better, now this unused space can be used to create a pornographic tale of biblical porportions! Jesus walked into Peter and Mary M. having a real flesh-fight in the leasure room. Mary M. was oiled up with Karma Sutra Oil, and Peter was using his long, meaty toung to lick her clean.... <> - -could it be...SATAN??!?! or just Dr. Z, 06/07/98 okay, people, here's the real "nicer" ending to the story: She took them into her nomadic tent where she nursed them back to health with llama milk and roasted tundra larva as she combed the fleas from thier hair. Mary M. regained conciusnes. " Whaaaaa?" she murmered as she opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was a giant, scorched maggot staring back at her. Even her liberated sex-kittness could not sustain her very loud scream. Her intelligent (and needless to say, sexy) distress awakened Jesus in turn. "Hey, cool!" Jesus exclaimed "I'm having that dream where I get laid by Ms. Universe!" then, to the astonisment and wonder of Mary M. and Sambaa, the savior began to remove his outergaremnts and rub somesort of greassy substance on himself. "Um....Jesus?" asked Mary M. "Alright, a threesome!" said the messiah, now clan in poly-weave jockey shorts reading "Hot Stuff" in the vincinity of his divine loins. Mary M.'s eyes looked heveanword as she sighed "This isn't a dream." Jesus looked around nervously, then grinned foolishly. "Um, well, I knew that...this was a test, see, and I needed to see how you resoponded to lust, and...testing. Just testing. Hah-heh-umm...yeah. Testing."he then quickly redressed. Turning her attention from the oiled king of kings, Mary asked thier caretaker to update her on the plot of the story. "Well, most honorabe saint, it seems that you were looking for somone nammed "Peter" when you collapsed in the frozen desert of our nomadic wasteland. By the way, as your compannion most acucaratly noted, I am Saamba Mangral, Miss Universe 98'." "Hey! I read your bio in "Tiger Beat"! exclaimed the teeny-bopper rag lovin' Magdalene. "It says that you have a degree in advanced physics in astrological travel!" Sambaa afirmed this was so. "Well, call it a hunch, but I think that our freind Peter is being held hostage in outserspace by the Queen of the Cthuluopids, the mighty Lucinda. You can build a space ship so we can retrive him!" "Well.." Mongolia's pride pondered "Your female instinct is a longshot, and it will cost us billions of dollars to investigate...but what the hell?" Mary M. and Miss Universe got to work hammering scrap metal from abandoned chinnesse pipeline. Meinwhile, Jesus was watching Playboy:Mongolia. "My name is Ungaatarlangsittar" said the nymph on the T.V as Jesus hoped she would take off her elk-skin bathing suit. "And my turnons are hay, litchen, and ceremonial summer dances. My turnoffs are making firewood out of cattle dung, gangrenne, and U.N planes dropping medical packages that land on your head." "Shagadelic!" howled Jesus. And while this all would be interseting to observe in length, let's fast foreward to 3 months latter, when our crew is aboard the M.S.S (Mongolian Space Ship) Jesusstar. "I don't see why we couldn't have nammed it "Marystar." "Or Saambastar" "Heeey, ladies" Jesus said smoothly "Jesusstar just has such a ring to it. Besides, I died for your sins. Reemmebbeeer?" "For the last time, YES!" Mary M. and Smabba Mangral shouted in unison. Meinwhile, on planets surface, in a undiscolsed Indian location, Kali, with her two beat henches, and a bound and gagged Bébé looked out on the cosmos with her Kaliscope™ (availible at Burger King). "Hahaha!" she shriked. Do thosse fools really think they can evaide me inside that metalic bubble? Grant, load the Kali-calipso-cannon with the Kali-kaboomers!!!" Grant looked arround. "Um...are you talking about the missle launcher?" Kali glared at Grant. "Do you want a dock in pay? Because if this crap doesn't sell, you the first to get a Kali-pink slip." "Loading Kali-calipso-cannon, your Kaliness, affective emiedently!" While Kali was pimping her much assorted collectables, Jesus and company (sans Peter) were scanning the universe. "Do you ever get the feeling that your about to be attacked by a berrade of Kali-kaboomers?" asked Jesus. "What the hell is a Kali-kibomer?" asked Mary M. "Not Kali-KIBOmer, Kali-KABOOMers" corrected his Lordness. "Whatever." At this moment, Jesus's infallible knack at prediction unfortunatly proved itself infallible yet again, because the M.S.S Jesusstar was hit by several missels- er, Kali-kaboomers, which caused a reaction in the spaceship's navigation. A change that left our heros plumeting downwards at a unpleasently fast speed. "Jesus Christ!" screamed Sambaa. "What?" asked Jesus Christ. "It's a fucking expression!!!" Luckily, our Savior did not hear such foul languge, because there was a very loud crash. Kali watched as the Jessustar came closser and closser to her headquarters. She watched as the celling erupted in several jagad pieces. She watched as the uncomfortably nearby Jesusstar entered through the new hole in the celling. And Kali watched, the very last thing she would ever watch, as she, Grant, and Don were crushed underneeth the now, most uncomfortably close spaceship landed. Jesus, Mary M., and Saamba Mangral exited the Jessustar undammaged, and looked arround. "Bébé!" Jesus called out, as he ran to untie his daughter. Kali's two cats, Dustball and Whiskars crawled out, meowing for food. "Kitties!" called out Saamba, who had always wanted some pussy-cats of her very own. Mary noticed that Kali's feet sticking out from under the Jesusstar....and they were wearing some retro ruby slippers- she recognised the label imediantly. "Pravda!"Mary M. Called out as she snached them up and tried them on. Perfect fit! God suddenly apeared on the floating hologram orb that Steve Dobbs had built for them in hopes of winning favor over Bill Gates. "Kudos, son, you've saved the world from the minions of darkness!" "Whoaho!" exclaimed Jesus "Toga Party!" Jesus, of coarse, was already wearing a toga, but Mary M. and Sambaa easily made some from Kali's bedsheets. Then they invited the 12 diciples over, along with the cooler female saints, and they partied like there was no tomorrow. Judas, always the troublemaker, spiked the punch. "Hey, where's Peter?" somone asked. Peter remained thousands of feet above earth, hostage to the Cthuluoids, with numerous tubes covering his cold and naked body. "Sigh." He said, suspecting he was missing a toga party. "So do you watch Dawson's creek?" asked one of the alien overlords. "Hey, yea. Love it." "So do you think Lisa and Dawson will ever "do it" "No way!" another Cthuluoid interupted. "Lisa's a total bitch!" "You must be crazy! Lisa's way cool!" Peter exclaimed. Lucinda, Queen of Space, entered "Yea, but did you did you see her hair last week? Total butch cut." "Totally" agreed Peter. "But Amber's dress was sooo cute. I'd kill to have it." said Cthuluoid #2 "No way. I saw it the other day at Hot Topic!" The End Oh, and Mimi was engulfed in jelously and became bitter and mean and nobody liked her. The End - -dr. zombie, 06/10/98 Emer, you've got to love this story! - chris, 8/6/99 but it was not the end sure she was bitter sure but she still had a life to live she ..... - , 11/11/99 Vowed revenge or something in one of the other 3 unfinished Jesus stories. This one's done, it's good, be happy. - Damain K., 11/12/99 Jesus stretched out in a chaise lounge next to his Olympic swimming pool. Sometimes being the Messiah has perks, you know. He sipped his strawberry daquiri and sighed contentedly. "Maybe I should do another story," he said. "A sequel, maybe something with Bill Gates. Yeah, Bill Gates...and clones!" Just then, a dimensional rift opened, and John-Ra leapt out. Jesus sprang to his feet. "What foul spawn of the underworld are you?" he demanded. John-Ra laughed. "I am no demon, Jesus. I am John-Ra, the mighty disciple of Dunno!" "Sweet me!" Jesus said. "I thought I had cast Dunno into the Void aeons ago!" "Think again, Jesus!" with that, John-Ra clasped a giant hand around our lord and savior's throat, lifting him into the air. "MWAHAHAHA!" John-Ra cackled. "Soon Neverending Stories will be mine!" Just then, John Cleese came running in wearing a police uniform. "Stop that," he commanded. "Stop it right now. That's too silly!" Unfortunately, he was smashed under John-Ra's big toe. Yes, things looked pretty grim for the Son of God. - wampod, 11/22/99 Jesus squirmed. "How did you get through the Wall of Stone and the Wall of Ice that were protecting this story?" he demanded. John motioned to the pickaxe and blowtorch at his feet. "Oh," Jesus replied. "Well, that's one thing, but you'll have to get through that unlimited horde of warriors, aliens, and dinosaurs." John looked where Jesus was pointing, and sure enough, there was an infinite number of warriors, aliens, and dinosaurs. Unfortunately, that many characters was too great a strain on the Neverending Stories server, causing the site to crash. As the site plummetted down toward the rocky ground below, Jesus shot a nasty look at John. "I hope you're happy," he grumbled. Fortunately, Mgmt. stepped in and fixed the bug, in the process wiping out the unlimited army. While he was at it, he wiped out John, too. He considered taking Jesus out as well, but this would lead to a number of unpleasant complications, such as excommunication, so he let the Son of God be. And it was good. THE END - wampod, 12/1/99 Click here to email this story to somebody special! Type your addition below. You may use HTML tags, if you so desire. Do not put a carriage return at the end of every line. For the record, you should sign your addition. Put your name, email, homepage URL, whatever. HTML is OK, but keep it brief. Your signature: If you would like to be notified by email when new contributions are made to this story, then you can submit an email address. Email address: THIS IS A MAILING LIST!