BIBLE III: Jesus takes on the hellelves God-James Earl Jones Jesus-Keanu Reeves Peter-Chris O'Donnell Terminator-Arnold {SP bigtime}Swarzenaggaer. Morphius-Laurence Fishbourne Hell ELf leader-Danny Devito Lucifer-Jack Nicholson Scientist-Kieffer Sutherland Old Fogie1-Kevin Costner Disco Dancin' Archangel Michael-John Travolta Virgin Mary-Madonna Batman-Val Kilmer ,Michael Keaton, George Clooney. Superman-Robin Williams Bruce Lee-resurrected Bruce Lee Jackie Chan-Jackie Chan THE BIGGEST BIBLE OF THEM ALL..THE BIGGEST MOTION PICTURE OF ALL TIME! With the biggest soundtrack as well... Green Day Lenny Kravitz Chemical Brothers Enigma Elvis Will Smith Billy Joel and featuring! Dan Marino as David! Watch him hurl stones like you've never seen! THE BIBLE III Jesus, was walking down New Jesus Street, healing people and signing autographs like a usual day. He'd been on two previous adventures..and still hadn't battled with Lucifer..it was 2024 and Jesus wanted Payback for The Devil makin' men sinners. Then a scream occurred, a woman's scream. Jesus turned abruptly when he saw it...a little elf of only three feet ran off with her purse and snapped her neck.... "Jesus Christ!" Someone yelled, Jesus really didn't like it when people said that. He ran to the woman and revived her, and then called for his trusty sidekick Peter on the wristwatch walkie talkie, "Peter! We have a case...TO THE CHRISTMOBILE!" {{Batman theme plays}} Jesus and Peter rushed into the huge christmobile...the huge holy power engine roared to life as the car sped into gear. The Bat mobile cut them off as they pulled into a lane. Jesus always obeyed traffic laws...unless HE HADTO BREAK THEM. The Bat Mobile rushed ahead of them as Holy Duo followed the Dynamic duo, who were pursuing the hell demon... - Moonstar, 10/3/99 Jesus punched the pedal of the Christmobile to the floor. The sweet machine was really pushing it's limit, but Jesus and Peter managed to pass Batman and Robin just before they rounded the first corner. The Batmobile careened off the road and came to an abrupt stop. "We should stop and save them!" cried Peter. "There's no time," stated Jesus firmly, "Lucifer must be behind this purse-nabbing, and it's up to us to destroy him." "Oh, I see. The where are we headed?" queries the persistent Peter. "We are going to seek the guidance of my mother, the Virgin Mary. Surely she will know what to do about all this." After a bit, the Holy Duo arrived at a ramshackle old church somewhere in southern Georgia. They cautiously walk up the beaten path to the door. As it swings open... - beladonna...10/10/99, 10/11/99 They are both knocked over by a flying kick from martial arts master Jackie Chan. He's a renegade cop trying to avenge the death of his brother at the hands of the hellspawn. However, only his old mentor, Bruce Lee, had the secret of defeating the Evil. So Jesus, Peter, and Jackie Chan set out to the Tomb of Lee, deep in the Nevada desert. Along the way, they happen to stop in Reno, where they pause to enjoy the attractions at a swanky hotel/casino. There is a nice musical interlude by special guest star Tom Jones. As they're preparing to leave, Peter bumps into his old pal the Archangel Michael, who is cutting it up out on the dance floor. He has to dance the night away to prove he's the hippest angel in town. Everyone is shocked to discover his dance partner is none other than the Virgin Mary. Michael and Mary are really getting their groove on out on the floor, when the crowd parts and Jesus comes storming into the room. "Get your damn hands off my mother!" he screams as he casts Michael into the Abyss. An innocent bystander looks over the carnage and mutters, "Sweet Jesus!" and is promptly struck down by a thunder bolt. Mary storms off in a huff, and winds up in the arms of a handsome Cuban billionaire played by Robert Redford. Meanwhile, Jesus and pals continue their quest. They arrive at the tomb of Bruce Lee, where Jesus performs the resurrection ritual. Bruce stumbles out into the desert sun... - wampod, 10/18/99 "Greetings Jesus, Peter, Jackie," said Bruce "I know why you've come. You want the secret to defeating evil. I will share this knowledge with you in good time. To defeat evil you must be at peace. To be at peace you must make peace." "You've eaten a lot of fortune cookies in your life, haven't you?" said Peter. Bruce continued, "Jesus, you must go back to Reno and talk to your mother. You must make her forgive you and prevent her from sleeping with that billionaire." Jesus grudgingly agreed and the four of them packed up into the Christmobile. When they got back to the hotel/casino Bruce Lee told Peter and Jackie to stay. They would practice the secret evil-fighting technique in the parking lot while Jesus talked to his mother in private. He knew it was the right thing. "Now, Jackie, Peter to execute this technique you must take a stance like this." Bruce Lee placed his right hand on his right hip and put his weight on his left leg. "Then you take your left hand and with one finger extended you point toward your right hip." Jackie Chan was slightly suspicious yet follower his teachers movements precisely "Then you point it toward the sky to the left of you". Jackie and Peter pointed. "Ha, ha, ha!" Bruce laughed an evil unworldly and kind of corny villain laugh. "I have just struck you with the curse of eternal disco. Prepare to die." "How much time will you give us to prepare?" asked Jackie Chan. "It's just a figure of speech!" Bruce Lee shrieked as he leapt into a flying kick aimed at Peter. Peter found he could not move like any sane non-disco dancer. With all his will he broke into the electric slide at the last second and dodged the fearsome blow. Bruce Lee's leg buried itself into the side of the Christmobile shattering the engine block. A short circuit deep within the cars workings caused the radio to turn on and play (quite predictably) the incredibly bad disco song Kung-Fu Fighting. "Looks like the tide has turned Evil Bruce Lee." said Jackie Chan "You may have been able to beat me in a regular fight but thanks to that soundtrack and the fact that I can't stop disco dancing this has become a Jackie Chan Signature Wacky Kung-Fu Battle (TM). Now all I need is...." Irritating comedian Carrot-Top suddenly makes a cameo and throws Jackie Chan a giant foam finger and a football which Jackie uses to beat Evil Bruce Lee unconscious with during a Signature Wacky Kung-Fu Battle (TM) all the while evading him with disco moves. Archdemon Michael (re-employed since he was cast into the abyss) leave Bruce Lee's body and materializes overhead. His handsome haircut has been twisted into a grotesque, grease-slathered pompadour. His stylish suit had become a wide lapelled polyester blasphemy against fashion. Before he could show Peter and Jackie Chan a taste of his true demonic power Jesus burst out of the hotel. "Get thee from this innocent parking lot hellspawn! The power of me compels you! The power of me compels you!" Jesus could still put on a show when he wanted to. Before vanishing into a puff of brimstone flame Michael told Jesus that he would never find where he hid Bruce Lee's soul and that his momma was lousy in the sack. Jesus looked at the totaled car. "You two stay here and watch over Bruce Lee's soulless body. I'll find us a new ride. Seems the billionaire took my mom to Vegas." "You still have it?" asked Jesus the old fogie (Kevin Costner) at the auto yard just outside of Reno. "Of course, kept it in fine shape too, all clean and holy. Didn't screw a whore once in the back of that car." Jesus removed the tarp and it (the car) shone like white pearls. A classic customized convertible with suede leather seats and huge chrome tailfins, it was... The Jesus Chrysler Supercar. - Damian k., 11/4/99 Catchy jazz music played as Jesus, Peter, and Jackie Chan tore across the Nevada desert in the Jesus Chrysler Supercar. "Are you sure Bruce will be okay in the trunk?" Jackie asked. "Sure," said Jesus. "At least, until we find his soul." They pulled up in Vegas. Jesus got out of the car, and pulled down his sunglasses to get a better look at the sight that greeted his eyes. Peter and Jackie got out, too, and the three stood there awestruck. For now, dominating the entire Vegas Strip, stood a huge casino, the biggest, most lavish and extravagant casino ever: Dante's Inferno Hotel and Casino. Jets of flame danced on either side of the gaudy red neon sign. A grinning cartoon devil leered at passersby. Truly, this was the most iniquitous den of iniquity since Caligula's day. Jesus stood, taking it all in. "Whoa," he said. The holy trio strode boldly into the casino. Patrons stood chained to the slot machines, blackjack tables and roulette wheels, damned to an eternity of gambling and watery drinks. "Who's responsible for this?" Jesus demanded. "I thought you'd never ask," came a voice from a high balcony overlooking the floor. They looked up, and there stood Lucifer, dressed in a very snazzy suit. "Don't you love it? Hell on earth!" he exclaimed, then swooped down to stand before Jesus. "You see, one day, it just hit me: why wait til you die to go to Hell? I'll bring the Hell to you!" Lucifer laughed an evil and slightly unhinged laugh. "You've lost it, Satan!" Jesus cried. "This isn't the way it's supposed to be!" Lucifer grinned. "You mean this isn't the way God wants it to be. That's the idea. Mwa ha ha!" His laugh was cut off as Jesus grabbed his hand-tailored lapels and slammed him against the wall. "All right, sulphur boy, listen up. I'll deal with you later. Right now, just tell me one thing: where's my mom?" Satan laughed. "She's upstairs right now, playing house with that two-bit millionaire. Room 665." Jesus dropped the Prince of Darkness, and turned back to his friends. They weren't there. Turning around, he saw them enthousiastically shooting craps at a nearby table. A demon was getting ready to chain them down, when Jesus grabbed them and dragged them away. "We have work to do," he said. "Oh, Red," Mary moaned. "Yes, that's it! Right there! Oh, yeah..." Red grinned. "Wow, selling my soul to Satan was the best move I ever made!" Just then, the door burst open, and the Son of God came storming in, St. Peter and Jackie Chan right behind him. "All right, scuzzball, you're going down!" Jesus shouted. Red looked irritated. "That's what I was doing..." - wampod, 11/16/99 "Let's kick ass." "That's right. I will avenge mmm... someone in traditional kung-fu movie fashion. Hey where's Peter?" "Oh no. Jackie go get Peter. I can handle this punk, and stay away from the craps table." Peter had burned right through all of the retirement pension money that he'd got from the Vatican when he claimed that the was, technically, the first pope and deserves a cut of the action. "C'mon hard eight. Make me rich, make me rich....uh ....DAMN!" "Jackie, you gotta lend me some money. I just gambled away Jesus's spare robe." "No way, I'm never going to see that money again. Damn you're stupid! Do you remember what happened to the last guy that went gambling with Jesus's robes? Christ's going to kick your ass when he finds out. Let's see a seven. Baby needs a new pair of shoes!" Jackie was actually doing quite well and his winnings were slowly starting to pile up. "There's always your soul." muttered a random passing demonic pitboss. Somehow he knew exactly the right time to pass by and mutter randomly. "Don't do it." "I'll do it." Peter and Jackie were led to the high rollers section in a dusty pit a couple of floors down. "Hey, I was just wondering if you win could you get one-to-one on a soul?" asked Jackie Chan. "Why not." the demon mumbled. "Then I'll play too." "What do you mean you've got plenty of money." "Maybe I could win Bruce Lee's soul, maybe they keep it in the same place. You should stay out of this your lucks down the toilet. Meanwhile I'm rolling hot." The demon boss of the pit interupted "You won't be rolling It's... Well you ever hear of Russian Roulette, hey didn't you come here with Jesus." "Not me." "Never seen the guy." *cock-a-doodle-doo!!!* "I hate when that happens." said Peter. They arrived in the high rollers room. A small pale child tied to a bed was being fed pea soup out of a forty gallon drum. "Alright, alright everybody place your bets and gather round tha little girl. You know tha minimum ante, one soul." Jackie and the betters closed in tight around her as the Devil's roulette man grabbed the girls head. " No more bets! No more bets! Round and round and round she goes!" - Behind his back Jesus dropped a copy of The Bible II: Jesus in Space into the hotel nightstand. "I've had enough of your perverted double entendres. Your going... Oh yeah, uh. Dammit I've already used my best line...think man, think. Oh yeah." Jesus turned around and dug up a Bible (book one) from the nightstand. "Where's that line... uh. Here it is. "You ever read the Bible uh, whatever your name is? There's this litle passage I got memorized Ezekiel... hmm that actually kind of big. Well anyway yadda-yadda-ya 'For I am the Lord and I shall lay my vengeance upon thee!'" "That was pathetic." said the up until now unnamed faux-Cuban billionaire, Juan. "Should have stuck with Nicholas Cage." said Mary. "Like you're really Cuban. And mom, think about it. You're the Virgin Mary. Do you want to get called the Kind-Of-Easy Mary?" "Well Mr. Jesus, you've been quite a thorn on my side but you forget I'm a multi-billionaire. That means I can ... bribe you! Take that." he said as he flung a packet of hundred dollar bills at the chiseled chest of the Son of God. "No." "Fine I'll just use my pack of corrupt congressmen, lawyers and my giant robot made of solid gold. Get him boys!" - Damian K., 7/18/00 "Ha! You doubt my resourcefullness fool!" Jesus yelled and sprang into action, he quickly lunged at the robot and with quick {matrix} Jesus moves cut the robot into gold nuggets, and dodged Law Suits saying that he ripped off of the first bible story...using the matrix moves..and then.. "Cut Cut Cut! Wh- What the hell is this crap?!" Director Larry yells and steps onto the set. "Dammit Jesus! You ARE A BAD ACTOR...Now go sit in the corner and think about what you've done.." After 30 minutes of timeout..Jesus returns "HA! YOU FOOL! I am more resourceful than expercted..uh,.." After 45 minutes of timeout, Jesus returns... "Ha you fool! I am more resourcful than you think!" {in the background Larry yells obscenities about such a bad actor} "No you're not.." "Yeah..I know..I was just bluffing.." Jesus sighed..nearly defeated when... CRASH! Nicholas Cage..the Real Jesus rode his motorcycle through the room's door..after taking his shades off and getting off the christ cycle..he threw the glasses to Keanu Reeves.."Beat it kid, the real Jesus is back in town..." {Cue to play 'Bad to the Bone'} "So you like to push people around, and screw my mama?! I mean she's a babe and all...but.,..ahem..beside the point you bastard!" The real Jesus grabs a baseball bat and gives the lawyers and the robot a good ol' fashioned american ass whoopin' and storms toward Red.. "Hey, couldn't we talk about this..I mean, I can repent right? You're Jesus after all..he he.." Red smiled, Jesus promptly grabbed his throat and flung him through a window... "Yeah...not today though.." {Red screams until he splats on the ground} "So I see you have returned..." A voice boomed from outside the room.. "Morpheious?!" Keanu Reeves asked.. "Shutup! And go home...I don't like you.." Nicholas Cage said as he kicked Keanu in the head, knocking him out. And then, The real Jesus..turned to face the voice.. - hgshgs, 8/14/00 "Jesus! Jesus! Son!" Mary screamed as little demons poured into the room and started taking her away..."help!" "I can't mother... this is the scene where I watch you helplessly being dragged away for no reason." Jesus said. "Oh.." Was her last word as a portal opened and they disappeared into the abyss. "Someone call for help?! I'll handle it!" Jesus looked and saw someone in a black cape with pointed latex ears descending toward the building, swinging toward it on a rope.. "Someone Call For Help, I'll save them!" Another voice echoed as a man in blue leotards flew in ahead of Batman. "Hey what the hell Superman...this was mine!" "Shut up batboy.." "..Y'mama's a batboy.." "What?! Don't you dare..." The two superheroes engaged in a brief wrestling match, and then Batman took a pair of spectacles and put them on superman's face... "NOOOOOOOOOO! Now people will know who I am! Clark Kent! WHHHHYYYYYY!" Superman sat, crying melodramatically and Batman laughing evilly until he was backhanded by Jesus. "You two wannabe Jesuses will have to help me save my mother....." Meanwhile... Jackie jumped up and down with Joy.." I WON I WON! GIVE ME MY MONEY!" and did a little dance.. "You didn't win.." one of the demons said. "Yes I did- -" Quickly a large Golem busted through the wall and grabbed both of our heroes by the throats... As they gagged, ArchDemon Michael stepped forward. "Fools...AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA {cough, wheeze, cough} HAHAHAHAHAHA!" And just when things seemed to be the most down.... "I'm HERE TO SAVE YOU!" Dan Marino rushes into the room, takes aim at the mighty golem's head with his sling, and flings it... (Cue for slow motion and dramatic music; close up of flung stone. It makes a small dink on the Golem's head...nothing happens.) "Wait...Wait... hold on, if I can just get my black cat's..." {Michael grabs hold of him} "Aww come on! Dammit! It's not fair you evil bitch!" "Nice move David." Peter grunted. "What a pathetic bitch." Jackie snorted. - f, 8/14/00 "Hmmm, Jackie and Peter aren't back yet. Superman, Superman can you help me. Do you know where they are?" "Down in the basement in terrible peril but I can't help you, I'm all washed up." "Listen, I already knew. Son of God, remember?" "But Batman's gonna tell." "He's Bruce Wayne, millionaire industrialist from Gotham city. You work at newspaper." "Yeah I do." Said the no longer despondent Superman. "And you can get his secret identity out to the press before he can, right, so you have nothing to fear." Superman stood tall, his cape billowing in the wind (which came from no apparent source). He smashed through casino level by level determined to rescue Jesus' friends. His fists battered the reinforced layers of the secret basements to rubble and he burst into the chamber where our heroes were held. The golem turned The Man of Steel's head to paste because superman had forgotten it was a golem of kryptonite. The Son of God looked down at the Man of Steel with the head of paste by the golem of kryptonite. It was not pretty. He turned around but Batman was nowhere to be found. He just disappeared like he always does when nobody's looking. Jesus had a plan. He picked up some kinky strappy stuff from under the bed of the dead heathen Cuban millionaire and collared the lawyers that lay dazed on the floor. He chained them to a housekeeping cart and used them as beasts of burden to pull his mighty chariot and so through the glory of The Lord did Jesus tame the rabid lawyers and send them to smite-eth his enemies. The lawyers battered down the door to the secret sublevel. The thunderous roar of imported $800 loafers bore down upon the archdevil Michael, the golem and their underworld lackeys. Jesus set the lawyers free. "Those two won fair and square, their are laws in Nevada about uncollected winnings." said a lawyer. "Those Superman-shaped holes in the floors constitute a safety hazard and a clear violation of building code" said another lawyer. "Kryptonite is an isotope that has been shown to cause cancer in lab mice. All of your demonic lackeys are filing a class action suit against your golem for unsafe work environment." "Do you even have EPA clearance to have a body made out of kryptonite. I'll need to see copies of your Environmental Impact Form, your Formal Environment Pact and your Impacted Environment Formula in quadruplicate." "Mr. Chan this golem's harassment is a clear sign of this establishment's unfair bias against Asians. We must sue." "Mr. Michael is it not true that while using Bruce Lee's body you caused intensive damage to the original Christmobile. Mr. Lee's corpse does not have collision insurance so you'll be paying out of pocket." "That child- with-the-spinning-head-Russian-roulette game is a blatant trademark infringement on The Exorcist." The casino went so deep into debt and litigation that it closed down on the spot, the golem was declared an EPA superfund site and the Superman issue where the golem re-kills him is available with a diecut-holofoil cover but no one's falling for it this time around. In the midst of the commotion the hero's escaped to the parking lot and drove away to plan their next move. - Damian K., 10/30/00