The Bible II, Book II: Jesus Versus the Robot Drones.

Written by: Dr. Zombie, Lala and Danman.

Edited by Damian K.

Cast:
Nicholas Cage as Jesus
Trent Reznor as St. Lazarus
Alan Alda as God (and he will ALWAYS be God)
Micheal Myers as Bill Gates
Darrel Hanah as Dolly the Sheep

With Industrial Light and Magic covering the rest of the cast, since all actors are overrated crap nowadays anyways.

Soundtrack by:
Green Day, Mia X, Jane's Addiction, Indigo Girls, The Cure and some small name bands we can squeeze in since it's the sequel and you'll buy it anyway.

It was a rainy day in Los Angeles, 2025. It was always rainy in Los Angeles, thought Jesus, as he sat in the overcrowded sushi bar. Then he thought, that in hindsight, perhaps buying that "perpetual rain machine that can never- ever be deactivated" hadn't been such a great idea. But as long as he kept his mouth shut...His order had just arrived when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and saw St. Lazarus.

"Meu froidee ouee auleei ebe iqarede oto umbe othe eme!"St. Lazurus said.

Jesus walked into God's office. God was not happy. He had been drinking far too much communal wine, and we all know what that means- more rain, and this time, the yellow kind.

"Sit down" said God. (and it was so)

God looked Jesus straight in the eye. He noticed how the crown of thorns had left unsightly blemishes on our Lord's face, blemishes that could have perchance been avoided if he had used a moisturizer- the kind of moisturizers which would not have been in existence 2000 years ago. Of course, if he had been able to turn water into wine, why not...

At this point, Jesus was wondering why his Dad had stared at his forehead for 12 minutes. He coughed nervously.

"Um..." God stammered (for the first time in 50 billion years, then regaining his usual "Look at me, I need attention or I'll smite you" tone.

"Listen Son, we have a little problem. "7 days ago, the cryogenically preserved head of Bill Gates bought Dolly the XXV, from Clonex Labs in Dublin. Apparently, he planed to introduce human DNA into he genetic code. Apparently, this went all to well. Because it seems that we now have 5 sheep-human hybrids out on the streets, a gross perversion of my work. "

"Um, one question." asked our Lord.
"Yes? "
" How was this supposed to have happened in just 7 days?"
"Well, I was talking BIBLICAL days. Duh. Now go over the SuperMicrosoftConglomexCorp. and talk to Gates. He apparently still has the original Dolly sheep-human. Find out what you can from her. Science must be stopped and obliterated when, if even only slightly, it contradicts my supreme position as central overlord of man. Now go."

Jesus nodded and walked with Lazarus back to the Christcopter 4000sdx, which had already been updated to the Christcopter 5000.2 v.3 sdx mini. Which meant it took twice the time to load, and crashed thrice as often.

"Wacky wacky wacky." said Jesus out loud.
"Ickaw Ickaw Ickaw" said Lazarus.

Jesus smacked Lazurus

The approached the headquarters of SuperMicrosoftConglomexCorp., which had at one time been known as Canada and the Pacific Northwest. Jesus could sense Bill Gates was waiting for them and it had nothing to do with his psychic god powers. It had to do with the fact he had scheduled an appointment. But don't tell HIM that.

Jesus walked into the lobby of SuperMicroConglomexCorp and immediately noticed a lovely clone of the young Faye Dunaway typing at the front desk. Jesus decided this was a very good time to pick up a date for the 3089th Emmy Awards. He marched up to the desk and opened his shirt, showing off his sexy, sexy abs and his cool scar. The messiah was about to show the secretary his musical talent (he could play 'Ode To Joy' with his armpit) when he noticed something...... An Indigo Girls CD! *prompt Indigo Girls song on soundtrack* "Jesus Christ," Jesus swore. "Another lesbian clone! Not that there's anything wrong with that...."

With that matter cleared up, Jesus snuck (with great stealth) up to the snack machine where he bought a Bill Gates Brain Cellulator Bar *guaranteed to increase your brain mass within 34,500 jilloseconds of digestion*.

The bar, being the creation of Gates, made his brain freeze up then abort all functions. Fortunately, he was able to upgrade back to almost half his previous mental capability for a mere $15,000 with Cellulator Bar 2025.

By this time Bill Gates, who had finished reading "Lesbian Clone Sex Beast" (of course, "just for the articles") and was ready to see the sexy ab-ed one.

"Welcome to my lab" Bill Gates gurgled from inside his cyrotank, which was the head of Pauly Shore, as it had been empty anyway. Jesus couldn't resist slapping the likeness of the evil behind "Jury Duty 7: Mafia Madness!"

"Ow" creid Gates.
"So, Billy boy, I hear you have a problem with sheep humans around here."
"Yes. You see, I never foresaw that combining the intelligence and reasoning of a sheep with the aggression and resentment of a human, all placed inside a indestructible android body could possibly go wrong."

"Uhhuh. Look, I didn't care about 6th grade bio, and I defiantly don't care about splicing together barnyard animals and unhappy humans. But...just why did you combine a sheep and human. That little detail has really been bugging me."

" Well, it had nothing to do with my bizzare and unnatural sheep fetish!" snapped Gates, nervously."

Jesus stared at Gates for a second. Gates added "That is to say, I, Bill Gates, have no sheep fetish, so there is no connection between my invention perfecting the feminine lusciousness of a sheep and my fetish for them- which, as I have said, is non existent." he stammered.

Jesus looked nervously around the room. Suddenly he regretted this case a lot more.

" I'm not getting into heaven, am I?" asked Gates *sheep*ishly.
"No." and it was the most decisive "No" Jesus had ever made.

Bill looked downfallen for a second but soon, he perked up and asked, "Am I eligible for purgatory?" Jesus shook his head. "Nope, there's no way." Bill frowned. "Uh, what's hell like?" "Good beer, but the place is crawling with IRS guys." Jesus shivered at the prospect. I mean, you would too, if you had 4500 years of back taxes to pay.

Bill's frowned drooped even further down his face. "How can I get to heaven?"
Jesus thought about this for sometime and then said, "Okay, first you give all your money to God, so just write me a big fat check, which I will, of course, give to the Big Guy In The Sky and then you follow me and serve me and you will have riches in heaven." While he said this, Jesus smiled a big, sly smile, thinking of all the Jaguars (Model 794, with advanced hyper drive) he could buy with $200,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.89 in his wallet.

Unfortunately, that grin didn't last for long.

"Fuck that!" Bill Gates replied. "I'm not some hippie freak. What's God gonna do with my money? Send it to orphans? Please, those orphans can make money working as test subjects in the development of Microsoft's new hypo-allergenic bomb!"

Jesus, realizing that this conversation wasn't taking him anywhere, decided to go off in search for the original sin, Dolly The Sheep, who purportedly knew the key to Jesus' Mission and some damn good celebrity gossip. Whether he was motivated by the mission or the gossip, Jesus left in search of Dolly, the sheep who knew too much.

Dolly, being kept in an extremely high tech plastic exclusive chamber, which had the power to enhance and empower mood, known as a "happy bubble". She was reading the latest issue of "Tiger Beat" which had a fascinating preview of the making of the editing of the script of a television movie based on Titanic LXXIV, featuring the cybordic grandson of Leonardo DiCaprio. As with us, this had left her very confused. But then, sheep are pretty stupid anyway, so they often seem confused.

"Hey, baby!" said the groovy Savior. She couldn't hear him from inside the happy bubble, however since hot sheep hybrids usually ignored him, he just tried another pick-up line "I really want to sheer you with my man-razor".

Again, fortunately for Dolly, the plastic prison of happiness protected her ears. Jesus then projected himself inside the happy bubble, figuring that, if nothing else, he could annoy her into pitying him. "Hello hot stuff." Dolly said as she looked up from the article on how to combat oily skin while baking cupcakes for your boyfriend (a secret stolen from the Russians).

"All right!" Jesus howled. "I'm going to get it on!"

And since Dolly, having the brain of a sheep and the body of a fading 70's ditz, had no clue to what the word "abstinence" meant, the next event that took place was rather disquieting to the minds of Christians- hell, anyone, everywhere. So You'll just have to go to http://www.sexnet_Jesus_FawcetXXX.com and pay the $19 cover charge like everyone else.

Back onto our story, a sweaty Savior and spent bimbo lay in the afterthrows of passion discussing what all young love birds discuss after sex: Convict sheep-human hybrids that are planning on world domination.

"Well, you see" explained Dolly "so there was this experiment, and then I guess something went wrong.."
"Uh-huh"
"And, well, things got bad."
"And..."
"Well, what else do you want?"

Jesus gave up at this point, and called up Albert Einstein.
"Hello. Diz ist Albert Einstein, and I'm not here vight now. If you need to know the meaning of your stupid, boring life, which in fact is completely meaningless, press 1. If this ist the fashion crew at Tiger Beat, and you vant to know how I get mine hair to simply scream "Groovy!", press 2. If you need to know about dose freakin sheep things, press 3. And if you remain on line, I will read my thesis on dust and all it's mysteries."

Even though Jesus was fascinated with the world of dust, and all things dusty, duty demanded he press 3.

"Vell" Albert Einstein continued in his lame stereotypical German accent. "You see, de sheep clones are nearly invincible. Nearly. They have one veakness. They all have a burning desire to go to New Zealand and stop traffic. It's a trait inherited from their sheep side. Or possibly their Farrah Fawcett side. I'm not all that sure. Anyvay, if I vere you I would head to New Zealand vight avay! Goodbye now!"

The message stopped and Jethro Tull's 'Bungle in The Jungle' started playing. Jesus spent several minutes listening, thinking what a funkadelic guy Einstein was, before jumping into the Christocopter and preparing for his trip to New Zealand.

In an effort to humanize the villains in this story, or at least kill some time, we go to Pacific-Atlantic United flight 666 to Auckland New Zealand, where we are introduced to our evil sheep clones, Doc, Sleepy, Grumpy, Bashful, and Dopey:

Snow White was humorously foiling a pair of stupid burglars at the moment, but I just realized that we were at Row B-3, while we should have been at row 3-B, with our five sheep clones, Jo-Jo, Lambchop, Leo, Missy and Peep *really* are:

Jo-Jo was visibly annoyed at his co-clones idiocy...well, not that visibly because sheep only are capable of showing one emotion. But he nevertheless was irked. "Stoopids!" He shouted at them "We need to go to New Zealand to control traffic!!!"

"What's traffic?" asked Missy.

Jo-Jo smacked Missy, if only to distract from the fact that he himself had no idea what traffic was, or how to control it.

Meanwhile, Back in Los Angeles, Jesus was just boarding a Plane. Unfortunately, he forgot to specify *New* Zealend, so little did he know he was going to Old Zealand, located in the mountains of Transylvania!

Meanwhile St. Lazarus was writing a book- "Speaking Pig Latin on Your Way to Self-help: a Beginners guide"

St. Lazarus was not a very good with the ladies, so he spent half of his time translating 'The Iliad' into gibberish and the other half on his Pig Latin self-help books. The reason he wasn't popular was obvious: he looked like death warmed up. Hell, he was death warmed up.

Anyway, he sitting in his New Zealand summer house, working on chapter 3 of his book, titled " 'AY' is the Second Half of Okay: Learning to Love Yourself With Pig Latin", when all of a sudden, a bunch of freaky Farrah Fawcett (how do you like that for an alliteration) sheep bust down his door.

"Olyhay itshay!" St. Lazarus screamed, realizing that for the first time ever there were women-like creatures visiting him. And they weren't even Jehovah's Witnesses!

"We're gonna cut you up, sucka!" said Leo, who had been a test subject of Quentin Tarrentino movies, which concorsly was why he was also the stupid one.

"Eyha!...I mean, Hey! Your not a woman" said the disappointed St. Lazarus.

"Oh Yeah? I think it's because your just not enough real MAN!" shouted out Peep, for no apparent reason.

"That didn't make any sense...at all. Anyway, time for the guttin'!" as the Fawcettian sheep descended upon our terrified reanimate, Bo wondered just what any of this had to do with stopping traffic. "Oh well" she sighed as she tore out an eye.

Meanwhile, Jesus was "enjoying" a lap dance by Miss Old New Zealand 82' (funny how beauty contestants always show up around Jesus). "My, what, a, um, lovely mustache you have" commented Christ.

"You are to be the shut up. You want the whoppie?" asked the pride of her homeland.

"Um, no, but if you could tell me where to find these sheep clones..."

"You into sheep? Such perversion you foreign men is. We make the whoppie now."

Jesus began to like this mission less and less "No...no whoopie...Help!"

And, now to cleanse both the images of the gory (gorier?) St. Lazarus and Jesus and his Eastern European knockout in the private act, now let's go to Happy, the Drunky Drunk. On second thought, let's not.

Alright, since the 'Happy, the Drunky Drunk' option is out of the question, let's flash back to SuperMicroConglomexCorp. Where Bill Gates was churning out some more sheep clones. But not of Farrah Fawcett. No, far more base, more vile than Farrah. Bill had begun to pump out *gasp* Sissy Spacek sheep clones, at the sight of which, his employees began to scream "You're sick! You're sick!" and knock themselves about the head with swizzle sticks. Since this is actually getting gorier than the first two plots, we will now go to a public broadcasting message from the Teletubbies concerning their latest world domination attempt.

*TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES*

"This is BBC Radio for New Zealand. This is the Oasis segment of our daily programme in which we present the world with the music- nay, the message, nay, the musical message, of the greatest Beatles imitators since...Meet The Beatles. Anyway, here they are.."

Lazarus could not enjoy the revamped version of Wunderwall, not because he hated Oasis, not because both ears had been ripped clean from their sockets, but because of a combination of both. And of course, the fact he was dead.

The creepy sheepies admired their handiwork (or would that be hoofiwork- or has that joke already been used)

"Oh My God! You killed Saint Lazurus!" wailed Peep.

"Shut up! Catch phrases don't really make sense taken out of context!" chastised Bo.

Meanwhile, the annoyingly English voice on the radio seized their attention- literally- hands shot out of it and grabbed the Fawcetti. It must have been one of those "Nightmare on Elm Street" props.

"This is the BBC for New Zealend, with a real un-shagadellic message. Not only has Bill Gates gone mad, Telletubbies have seized Japan and instituted a militant regime, but...the Road Rules Greenland is planning to make a quick stop at the house of Saint Lazarus, beloved Nobel Prize Laureate and author of countless studies of Pig Latin, so that they can..."

"Turn that shit off!" yelled Jo-Jo, as he took out his .35 and blew the evil radio into smaller, a more fun confetiesque form of evil. Suddenly, they all heard a knock on the door....

Meanwhile, Jesus had escaped and was ready to settle a score...with his arch nemesis, Bill Gates.

"Um, I thought you were working for Bill Gates..." Dolly interjected.
Jesus sneered a manly sneer, which came of looking like manly stupidity "Not anymore, dollface."

"Gee" replied Dolly. "What a generic line. I won't find it nearly as hard now to kill you so master Gates may live"

Then she pulled out her Sears Sheep-prod 4000 (like a cattle prod, but...with the word sheep replacing cattle)...

Meanwhile, Freddy Kruger and Wes Craven pressed charges for stealing the concept of a evil communications device which suddenly sprouts arms to grab you when you least suspect it, just like your computer is about to do right...NOW!!!

~ a treatise on the magnifecent (yeaa...its spilled wrung , so suess me!) sheep prod.. the most interesting concept behind the sheep prod is that it is one of the few electrical products now-a-days that does NOT include a digital watch.. in fact the entire lack of a digital watch on the sheep prod is what (speculators say) makes the sheep prod soooo popular.. the other , less thrilling explanation, is that the yokels enjoy prodding sheep... well .. there you have it.. now back to Jesus and the rest of that tripped out holy crew in -

THE BIBLE 2 , Book 2!!

Ok.. well.. this time for real

Back to the bible 2 book 2, Jesus Versus the Drones!!

So it was at that time that our good man, Jesus (who's college fraternity nickname was actually "Fish" , so now you know why those little fish things are on everyone's car now- to mock Jesus' bad frat nickname.) Was just about to leap out of the cattle prod's way when it Happened.

PLEASE NOTE: 'Jesus II: The Bible II' is not making jest of the Holy Bible. It is, in fact, a real story inscribed upon twelve scrolls found in an A&P in Palm Beach. These scrolls, (called The Palm Beach Scrolls), were thought to be written by the Good Lord himself, as an account of his adventures and misadventures after the Resurrection. So, 'me', go to confession and repent your heresy against the holy book before you are cast into the fire and suffering that awaits every man who sins against his Father, his Master, his Holy Lord. Peace be with you.

Jesus was found in a very un-saviorlike position, running like crazy from the murderous sheepette with a certin favorite behavior modification device.

"Dolly...why?? Didn't I love you? Didn't I show you tenderness? Didn't I die for your sins?" he cried out.

"You big lard-ass, all you done was jump in the sack and run back out of my life. Oh, and I guess you did die for my sins...and you can again!" replied Dolly, suddenly developing a southern trailer trash accent (also known as a standard southern accent).

Jesus looked desperately around the room for something...anything to fend of the doppelganger lunatic behind "Myra Breckenridge". Just thinking about the annoying sex-change jokes and Hollywood oneisim made his head weak. Then, remembering her roles as various mermaids, 50-ft women, and androids made his head weaker. Of course, he was actually confusing her with Darrel Hannah at this point, but nevertheless, the lack of blood to his head made him faint.

Dolly looked down on her...hoofiwork (ah,aha,ha that one always gets me!) and smiled. Gates would be pleased- the last piece of the puzzle to the enigma wrapped in a crepe sautéed in butter sauce was laying at her feet, unconscious and completely at her mercy. Now, there was only one thing left to do...

Meanwhile, back in New Zealand, the sheep-human drone-clones had just let in the entire cast of the Reel World, Greenland, who were on a mission to hunt down the cast of Road Rules, Iceland- thus solving a centuries old feud between their respective countries. And so, now our story takes off with their amusing dialogue...

"Damn, you cock sucka!" Leo, the Quentin Tarantino film test subject, screamed. "Turn dat shit off! Look, dat bitch got her hand up dat sheep's ass!"

Missy nodded in agreement, though she hadn't the slightest idea what Leo was saying. "Leo," she bleated, "Let's watch the Muslim Fundamentalist Channel! I wanna see that guy! He's dreamy!"

Peep rolled his eyes. "It's Bill Clinton and he's not dreamy, he's dead! They executed him a half hour ago!"

Missy ran out the room sobbing, abandoning her prime spot in the viking chair.

The other sheep were no comfort to Missy. Bo and Peep were absorbed in the Lampchop marathon, Jo was learning Pig Latin, Leo just sat huddled in the corner, rocking back and forth in the fetal position, mumbling "Cock sucka, cock sucka," over and over to himself. The others couldn't be sure whether he was talking about Monica Lewinsky, Missy or just suffering shell shock from his repeated viewings of 'Jackie Brown'. It wasn't until the next day they discovered the real reason for Leo's strange behaviour.....

While the sheep realized they had tarried from the plot, the door burst open- the cast of the Reel World was back, and wanted some mutton burgers (they were all devout Hindus)

The sheep screamed and looked for weapons- so naturally, they ran to the medicine cabinet (after all, everyone knows sheep keep semiautomatic rifles behind the pepto bismol)

But something was amiss- the Telletubbies leapt out of the bathtub!

Oh no! Our anti-heroes hoofed it back to the bedroom onto to hear the crack of a window- it was batman! Then Mr. Usenet Smiley Face (that fucking ":-)" thing crashed through the celling. Then the cast of "Inside the Outer Atmosphere of Planet of the Apes XVII" broke through the closet. what would happen next? What could possibly happen?

Then Nurse Nancy, the Smurf Brigade, Gorrilla Girls, Entire Membership of the Old Latvian Orthodox Church, Several annoying commercial spokespersons from various phone companies, and a angry elf came with a deep-dish pizza.

What will happen next?

Turn in next Jesus week at the same Jesus time at your same Jesus channel for a new, Jesus-rific episode of the Jesusfied bible II, book II... JESUS VERSUS THE KILLER CLONES!!!!!!

While the sheep were facing the fiendish cast of 'The Reel World' and their evil minions, Jesus was in an equally compromising position, sandwiched between layers of crepe sautéed with butter. Luckily, before Dolly could put on the 'Aunt Jemima' the Good Lord remembered that besides being a sexual deviant and really sexy guy, he was also a black belt in the ancient art of jujitsu. After several kicks, Jesus had freed himself from Dolly's dastardly trap. Unfortunately, while Jesus was attempting to make a get-away, he ran smack into Rush Limbaugh and got his head caught in the folds of Rush's rather portly stomach. It was actually kind of ironic, because Rush was the guy Jesus and his frat buddies (Howard Stern, Jerry Springer and little Richie Nixon) were always throwing pastrami sandwiches at.

Meanwhile, the sheep were facing an onslaught of evil.

Then Something very bad happened- Bill Gates unleashed a meteor at the Earth. Suddenly, Aerosmith wrote a whole soundtrack about that meteor while the Earth's scientists rushed to find a way...any way to avoid the horrible meteor.

Albert Einstein looked up from his highly complex scientific notes with a gleam in his eye. He knew the answer. As the other scientists gathered around him, he realized the plan to them.

"Ve vill send zum oil viggers unto der meteor to drill un large hole in eet and put un atomik bomb een ut. Then it vill blow up, yes?"
"Oh my God, that's brilliant" said the easily led wise scientist.
"No...not really" said another, who was quickly ripped to shreads by his peers.

Bruce Willis was sent up along with his manly oil rigging buddies and they all stuck together and landed on the meteor where they all preceded to die off one by one.

Luckily, the meteor burned of in impact, and was only the size of a small continent when it crashed into New Zealand, killing several Lamb-people, the cast of the Reel world, Then Nurse Nancy, the Smurf Brigade, Gorilla Girls, Entire Membership of the Old Latvian Orthodox Church, Several annoying commercial spokespersons from various phone companies, and a angry elf came with a deep-dish pizza.

"Thank goodness that's all over" said Jesus from inside Rush Limbaugh's love handles. After several good efforts and a nap, he was finally able to pull himself free of the grand pooba of angry white male-dom, just as the deadly sulfuric ash was just settling...

"Oh no!" realized Jesus. He had been protected from the meteor's debris, well concealed within several layers of pure Rush- put the rest of the world had suffocated!

Jesus ripped his shirt, fell to the ground, and began to beat the floor.
"You idiots! You finally blew it up!" he screamed.

Then Jesus ran off to star in his next production.

The production Jesus planned to star in was the Broadway remake of 'Annie', whose cast was to include Dennis Hopper as Daddy Warbucks and Olympia Dukakis as Annie's lovable dog, Sandy. Jesus was to don the curly red wig in his stage debut as little orphan Annie. Unfortunately, two weeks into rehearsals, while belting out 'Tomorrow', Jesus took a dive from the stage that landed him in the hospital for two months and his character had to be re-cast.

John Travolta got the part and won a Tony with a sparkling performance of a depth we have not seen since 'Look Who's Talking Now'. Meanwhile, our Lord was sitting around his hospital room throwing darts at the picture on the wall. It was Van Gough's 'Violets' (estimated cost, 13 million dollars) but Jesus, only appreciating things with sequins on them, didn't notice or particularly care. Suddenly, his trusty Jesus Motorola Cell Phone (which may be purchased at a Target location near you, for the low, low price of $19.99) began to ring.

Jesus could understand the Reverend's cause for distress. He hadn't gotten any in a while either. Oh well, our savior thought with a grin, maybe if I go down to Alabama they'll cut me in on some of the fun....oh yeah and I'll be saving some people from the clutches of the most diabolical force known to man.....no, not 'Dharma and Greg'......The Devil."

-The End.-

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