The Aldo Estevez Show

Written by: Mgmnt, Moose, Romello, Fiona May 3, Spam, Boo (It's a ghost), Wampod and Damian K.

Edited by Damian K.

Announcer: Hello and welcome to the Aldo Estevez Show! This week's topic will be 'Men With Toupees Who Love Bald Transvestites in Leopard Prints'!!! And HERE"S ALDO!!!!!!!

APPLAUSE LIGHT FLASHES
(Aldo comes through the door)

Aldo: Hello, hello, as you know I'm Aldo Estevez, Emilio's brother who'd he'd rather forget about...but we'll talk about that on our 'Brothers Who Shun Brothers' show! Today we're talking about men with toupees and their lust for bald transvestites in leopard prints! Now today, we have the pleasure of talking to Dr. Egghead, our resident psychoanalyst!! Dr. Egghead?

(Enter: Dr Egghead comes in and sits in one of the chairs on stage.)

Aldo: Hello Dr. Egghead. I notice you're wearing a toupee! Do you have a sexual desire for bald transvestites wearing leopard prints?

Egghead: Uh no, Aldo, but as I was about to say....

Aldo: Now, Egghead, there's no need to repress your feelings. This show is here to help people express their emotions, to change their lives in a positive manner through talking things out. Now would you like to share something with us?

Egghead: I haven't bought the 'White' album! *sob* *sob*

Aldo: Wasn't it better to get that out in the open? (audience member raises hand) Oh, we've got an audience question!

(Aldo runs over and gives the audience member the microphone)

Audience member: Excuse me, Dr. Egghead? What kind of sicko are you? I mean, you haven't bought the White album yet? You're a pervert, real *beeping* pervert!

Aldo: What do you have to say to that, Dr. Egghead?

Egghead: Don't judge me! *sob* I'm trying to get this out of my system, out in the open. I used to tell my friends that I had the 'White' album, but now I'm coming out of the closet on nationally syndicated television! Oh, I'm such a nerd! That guy was right, I am sick!

Aldo: Well actually, Dr. Egghead, you're wrong there! This isn't nationally syndicated! We only appear on two very lucky stations: TJK in Tijuana, Mexico and BAPU in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. However, we do have a very devoted following of Mexican chihauhau owners and heathen nomads! But now that we're done helping you, Dr. Egghead, let's bring out the bald transvestites in leopard prints!

Cut To Commercials.
Announcer: Buy COLA! It's Cool .It's-Ohmigod, No No No No No! Don't Kill Me!

Teletubbies:(Gibberish That Translates To) HaHaHa, We Have Hijacked The Aldo Estevez Show! Bow Down Before Us!

Aldo let's off four rounds as the audience ducks for cover. Each hollow point finds it's way into a separate "belly screen" dropping the quartet of embryonic mouse-like terrorists dead. Aldo pulls out a pack of Minthos and eats one as the voice over continues

"Minthos, the fresh maker."

(As everyone in Tijuana or Ulannbaatar can tell you Aldo must record all the commercials that appear in his show. This was an obscure clause in his contract. As a result he's driven every major brand of car, promoted every brand of fast food, danced with a vacuum cleaner and dined on cat food while wearing a cat costume. As a result he doesn't even try to make sense anymore.)

The next commercial begins....

Aldo:(left eye twitching rapidly) Lucy, you got some s'plaining to do! I will not be-a hooomiliated in fronta nobody, you unnastand me?

Dr.Egghead: Aldo, are you okay? You sound kind of, uh, Cuban.

Aldo: Oh, zo now it's wrong to be Cooban eh? Ah Lucy, you make-a me zo mad!

NEWS FLASH~~~~~~~
Dan Rather: We interrupt the Aldo Estevez show to bring you this important news brief.....Emilio Estevez is really great. That is all. Oh wait, what's else did they want me to say? Oh yeah, his brother, that A-name guy....Estevez something.....Ricky Ricardo momentarily took over his mind. No cause for alarm, people. Now back to our broadcast.

Aldo: Yah, yeah, yeah, everybody thinks Emilio is soooooo great but the people in Mongolia they love me. They name their best yaks after me. So screw you, America! No, no, I mean, America I love you and Emilio, here at the "Aldo Estevez Show" we love you too, even though you're making me become mentally unhinged and my sex life is bad 'cuz you steal all the sexy, sexy ladies and I'd like to throttle your big Hollywood "look at me I'm a movie star, I'm a Mighty Duck" ass 'til you die you monstrous, monstrous brother of mine....still, we love you...kisses!

Aldo: Ricky, Ricky, Ricky!

Aldo laid on the ground muttering and foaming at the mouth. Show ends.

Announcer: Welcome to a very special episode of the Aldo Estevez show live from the Saint Hubbins recovery ward. With our special and completely uninvited guest Ricky Martin here's Aldo.

Ricky Martin: Aldo, Aldo are you alright?

Aldo: Ricky Martin? What are you doing here?

Ricky: You passed out calling my name. I've been here with you waiting till you get up.

Aldo: Your career's in the shitter isn't it?

Ricky: Well (Ricky Martin began to cry openly) yes *sob*sob*.I'm a one hit wonder. I can only sing one song. One song!

Aldo: You can always hire a songwriter, or do covers.

Ricky: No, you don't get it. About two years ago I had a chip implanted in my brain. I asked the scientists to encode it with a song scientifically calculated to have wide ranging appeal, so that everyone would love it.

Aldo: Ricky let's face it, almost nobody likes that song.

Ricky: They used to. But something went wrong. People grew tired of it. The golden age of Rick Martin is over. They can't remove the chip without killing me. The only song I can sing is "Living La Vida Loca". I can't stop. You have to introduce me to some musician friends of yours so that can do remixes. I need work.

Aldo: I don't know any famous musicians.

Ricky: How about Emilio.

Aldo :No, we don't talk. All I got from him is this bouquet saying, "To my brother Alamo get better soon. P.s. Rent Mighty Ducks"

Ricky: Can't I at least be on your show. We could call it "Musicians Who Regret Their Bionic Implants"

This would not be because while n his catatonic state Aldo Estevez had received a message from the spirit world, from the ghost of Desi "Ricky" Arnez himself. He would find the secret vault of Lucille Ball, after this commercial.

From outside the secret vault of Lucille Ball, it's another episode of 'The Aldo Estevez Show'! Starring, in descending importance, Ernie the Cameraman, Willy the Copy Boy and that cute little tuft of dust over in the corner. Oh yeah and that Aldo guy who has his name is in the title.

Aldo: Hello, hello, hello everybody! We are coming to you live from the secret vault of Lucille Ball! At present a demolition team is breaking down the wall of the vault. In just a second we will show you the untold riches stashed away by the late, great Lucy. This broadcast is live so you'll be seeing it as I see it! This will go down the in annals of television history. Emilio's gonna be soooo jealous when he sees this on CNN tonight! Oh, oh!! The walls are coming down! To the count of three! 1.....2....3!

*There is an explosion and the walls come tumbling down. Aldo looks into the vault but it is completely empty except for several copies of 'Pony Breeder Weekly' which Aldo stuffs into his jacket when the crew isn't looking*

Aldo: Well, there you have it, folks! Um, absolutely nothing in here at all.

*The cell phone in Aldo's pocket rings.*

Aldo: Ohhh, is that me? *takes out his phone* Hi, Larry King? Sure I'll do your show tonight! Oh, Bernie. It's you.

Bernie: Hey, Aldo, baby, how you doing?

Aldo: Um, pretty good, considering I opened the freakin' vault and there's nothing in it! God, Bernie, you're my agent you're supposed to keep me from doing stuff like this...

Bernie: Aldo, I love you like a brother, you know that, but I've gotta spend my time working with the big-name acts like Binky the Anthropomorphic Clown-Cat. You understand, right?

Aldo: Yeah, yeah, I know. So why are you calling? You haven't called me in...wait...in nine months! What the hell am I paying you for?

Bernie: Aldo, I've got some good news and some bad news...what do you want to hear first?

Aldo: The good news! Has Emilio become horribly disfigured by some cruel twist of fate? Has he been abandoned by all his fancy "Look at me, I'm Cybil Shepherd" Hollywood friends who ignore me all the damn time and always seem to think I'm a coat rack?

Bernie: No, the clean-cut good looks that made Emilio famous haven't left him and he's more popular than ever. Does your brother need an agent? I could make him a star...oh, wait he already is. Damn it.

Aldo: Just tell me the bad news.

Bernie: Your show was canceled five minutes ago. They're going for a more up-scale audience. From now on, it's Binky the Anthropomorphic Clown-Cat Show. It's going to be a big hit. Your brother even agreed to be a guest.

Aldo: Noooooooooo! My show was my only reason for living. Bernie, I can't go on. My show was the only thing standing in the way between me and my glorious, glorious crack addiction. You remember me before the show. I've been in and out of Betty Ford more times than Gerald. And really, that's the closest thing to a heterosexual experience I've had in seven years.

Bernie: (Shuddering) Okay...well, here's the good news. I got you a gig.

Aldo: A gig?

Bernie: On Hollywood Squares!

Aldo: With Whoopi Goldberg?

Bernie: Nope. On the 'Little Known Celebrity Version' with Lola, the Strangely Normal Freak Show Lady.

Aldo: Ohhh… The mediocre and thoroughly average Lola. Just thinking about her makes my head spin. Those carefree days on the set of the Mickey Mouse Club....that forbidden love... all the other kids made fun of us, but where are they now? Well, they may be pop superstars with money and fame and clothes that show their bellybuttons but so what? Once I cut my demo tape and reveal my sexy, sexy abs everyone will love me too!

Bernie: It's a possiblity. Getting run over by a sled full of HIV infected needles while taking a jog in the middle of Sunset Boulevard is also a possibility.

Aldo: There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

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