The Chicken Question.
Written by: Mgmnt, Moose, Romello, Fiona May 3, Spam, Boo (It's a ghost), Wampod and Damian K.
Edited by Damian K.
Written by: Mgmnt, Moose, Romello, Fiona May 3, Spam, Boo (It's a ghost), Wampod and Damian K.
Edited by Damian K.
QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?
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KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical contribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program
Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting,
enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free of cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbooks. Of course, you also have to purchase Microsoft Road.
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road.. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.
HOMER SIMPSON: Mmmmmm.....chicken....
The chicken crossed the road because it was too long to go around.
There is also the question of why the punk rocker crossed the road - because he was stapled to the chicken.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
THOMAS DE TORQUEMADA: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
CARL JUNG: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
JOHN LOCKE: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
ALBERT CAMUS: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.
DARWIN #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
THE POPE: That is only for God to know.
IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
DIRK GENTLY (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
M.C. ESCHER: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
GEORGE ORWELL: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
NIETZSCHE: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
B.F. SKINNER: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
JEAN-PAUL SARTRE: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
PYRRHO THE SKEPTIC: What road?
THE SPHINX: You tell me.
EMILY DICKENSON: Because it could not stop for death.
SADDAM HUSSEIN #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
JOSEPH STALIN: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why it cross it, I've not been told!
O.J. SIMPSON: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
CLINTON: That depends on what the definition of the word 'chicken' is.
CAESER: Because It came, it saw, it crossed.
ANDY KAUFFMAN: Hello, my name is Andy and this is my response, which is: I don't know.
OPRAH : Don't ask me, girl friend, but all of you wonderful people in the audience get a free guide to cooking chicken perfectly! Allright!
LOUIS XIV: It probably wanted to bask in the glorious beauty that was himself and show the world what a gorgeous and magnificent person it was, so they too, can change their lives by witnessing the God-like presence of his being. Or at least that would have been my reason.
ORVILLE REDENNBOKER: I'm sorry, I was too entranced by the lovely aroma coming from my microwave pop corn. I can hardly resist!
ETIENNE DE GRELLETT: It expected to pass by that intersection but once- any roads therefore it could cross, or any sidewalks it could stroll-let it do it then-let it not defer it nor neglect it-for it will not pass that road again.
ROBERT FROST: Two roads diverged in suburbia, and it-it crossed the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
CONSTANINE: It saw a burning stop sign appear in the sun, and from that moment on he knew that there was only one road that he must cross-and that he must spread the word of roads to all on earth.
MONICA LEWINSKI: He wanted to see the road more like a alley rather than a parkway.
EDGAR ALAN POE: The chicken was escaping the disgusting horror that was his mind and soul. He could feel himself slowly descending into poultry madness....
SUSAN B. ANTHONY: It knew that the time for change was then! I was time to stand up against all those farmers who looked down upon them with arrogance, not realizing that chickens were as good as farmers and deserved the right to cross streets!
Jack Nicholson:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Who would have said this? I forget-
"It could never be free under the iron claw of Mr. Brown, the farmer"
"It crossed the road not because it was easy, but because it was hard"
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JFK
Musical chickens, anyone?
"Who cares, mate? The chicken is a has-been! Wait ´till you see when Oasis crosses the road!"
-Noel Galhager
"The chicken has been crossing the street for 30 years now, and it´s still doing it now. New chickens suck!"
-Aerosmith's Stephen Tyler
"To be run over before it got old"
-The Who´s Pete Townshwend, circa 1965
"To lead a long career"
-The Who´s Pete Townshwend, circa 2000
"You know, it´s all very relevant. I mean, the chicken and stuff"
-REM´s Michael Stipe
"To go surfing!"
-The Beach Boys´ Brian Wilson
"Dunno, man. It´s all so blurry when you´re really high...wasn´t it a penguin?"
-Grateful Deads´ Jerry Garcia
"You´d be surprised how much richness there is in the chickens´ culture"
-Paul Simon.
"Fuck the chicken! Fuck the road! They´re all part of this fascist regime!"
-Johnny Rotten
"If it gets run over, can I do a tribute album for it?"
-Elton John
"To reach a higher spiritual level."
-Alanis Morisette
"To become Chris Gaines"
-Garth Brooks
"It´s better to cross the road than fade away"
-Neil Young
"Yo! I´ll be missin da chicken! This be da funky chicken shit! Yo, yo, yo!"
-Puff Daddy
"To become a post-modern chicken"
-Bono
"To do something with a big-ass orchestra!"
-Metallicas´ Lars Ulrich
"Dunno. Can I sample it?"
-Fatboy Slim
RENE DESCARTES: The chicken crosses roads, therefore it is.
HULK HOGAN: What ya gonna do when the chicken unleashes its 3-inch legs on tha road?
MAE WEST: Is that a chicken in your pocket, or are you glad to see me?
ABRAHAM LINCOLN: A chicken divided against itself cannot cross roads.
DON CORLEONE: I made the chicken an offer he couldn't refuse.
JESUS: Judge not the chicken for crossing the road, and ignore the superhighway you are crossing.
PAUL REVERE: The chicken is coming! The chicken is coming!
MR. T: I pity tha foo that cross my road! I pity tha foo!
NIETZSCHE #2: The chicken is dead.
POL POT: It is in the best interest of the chicken to relocate to a new location across the road.
HAMLET: To cross or not to cross; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the minds of chickens to suffer the honks and screeches of outrageous traffic, or take arms against a stream of automobiles, and by opposing end them? To cross, to sleep no more, tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To cross, to sleep; aye, there's the rub, for in that sleep of crossing what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal sidewalk, must give us pause.
SCHROEDINGER: Since we have no way of observing whether the chicken crosses the road or not, it is presently on both sides of the road at the same time.
HANNIBAL LECTER: Ah, yes, the chicken. I ate its gizzard with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti. slurp-slurp-slurp!
RONALD REAGAN #2: By allowing this chicken to cross the road, the benefits of road-crossing will trickle down to the thousands of other chickens who must remain on this side of the road.
THOMAS MALTHUS: The road is not capable of supporting the current rate of chicken crossing indefinitely.
CONAN THE BARBARIAN: What are the best things in life? To chase chickens across roads, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their hens.
That's the best tasting chicken I ever hoid.
GROUCHO MARX
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD - BY GENERE
Summer Blockbuster: The chicken did not cross the road. The "chicken", actually an articulated animatronic armature driven by six puppeteers is shot in front of a green screen with advanced motion capture technology. It is then "keyed in" to the "road" which was rendered with over five thousand textures and a million colors in their state of the art graphics studio.
Musical: It was part of the choreography.
Romantic Chick Flick: True Love.
Shitty Comedy: It was carried across the road in a cart along with some other chickens and some fruit only to get hit by the main characters car in a "zany" chase scene.
Shitty Comedy (SNL): That was his big gag on Saturday Night Live so they tried to develop it into an 85 minute film.
Bond Flick: To get into East Berlin.
Mafia Flick: He was just some punk chicken when he first crossed Vinnie "The Road" Fercotti and Fercotti took good care of him, made him a big shot. The trouble began when he tried to screw Vinnie out of his cut. Nobody, but nobody double crosses The Road.
Blacksploitation: To lay low from the pigs and get the turkey who fucked with his woman.
Horror movie (supernatural): To get to "THE OTHER SIDE"
Horror movie (slasher): He was being chased, naturally.
Sci-Fi: The chicken didn't remember crossing the road, he just woke up in the middle of it. He could neither explain the four hours he had lost or the mysterious scar on his abdomen.
Sci-fi (popular genre): Because tickets to the premier are going on sale in just five days and the line is across the street.
War movie: He was just a kid, in fact all of them were but here they were trudging through rice paddies, over hills and across roads for a cause nobody believed in.
Sports Drama: He'd been training all his life to cross that road and this was his chance to make all that blood sweat and tears worth it.
Teen Flick (dramatic): His domineering father had pressured him into crossing the road but now he was going to throw himself in front of a car.
Teen Flick (light): It was a feeble attempt to look cool.
Children's Show: To teach the importance of looking both ways before crossing the street.
Porno: I fast forwarded past the road crossing scene so I don't know.
Pretentious Art Film: He was symbolizing the death of American culture.
Abstract Art Film: Because splicing the stock footage of the chicken crossing the road would be a brilliant counterbalance to the earlier scenes of the atomic test at Bikini Atoll
Social Documentary: We'll find out by interviewing his friends, family and the people who were there.
Coming of Age Story: It was a symbolic act of "crossing" into adulthood.
Disney Cartoon: To be comic relief for the spunky, willful, yet tender and lovelorn female lead character (as well as a best popular plush toy, Halloween costume, action figure/doll accessory, happymeal, beanie, walkaround character, cereal prize ect. ect. ect.)
Mystery: That was the opening scene, to reel you in. You spend the rest f the movie trying to figure out why he crossed the road. If I told you it would spoil the whole movie.
Monty Python Film: "And now for something completely different, a chicken crossing a road."
Road trip movie: Screech..... (wet thud)
Action Film: He was chasing the man who killed his wife/partner/brother.
Neverending Story: The chiken crossed the road. Then the world was hit by a nucular bomb and everybody died.
-?????!!!!!,1/19/00
Then the demon zombies attack and only Jack was left alive to stop them.
-Anonymous Loser,1/20/00
"Why did the dead baby cross the road?
Because he was stapled to the chicken!"
(Blaine the Mono goes insane)
Which came first the chicken or the egg?
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